The Art of Happiness Part 5 of 5: Confronting Suffering
January 9, 2009 by dr. lam · 2 Comments
There is the famous tale told in The Art of Happiness of Kisa Gotami, a woman who lost her child and who went to the Great Buddha to help her return her child back from the dead. The Buddha said, “No worries, I have a solution.” The woman replied, “Ah, I knew you would have an answer for me” with great hope in her heart. Buddha said, “Please go to a household and ask to have some of their mustard seed. However, just make sure that household has not suffered the loss of a family member or friend.” With elation, the woman went out to a household and was able to easily procure the mustard seed, a common item. But when she inquired, “Did any of your family or friends suffer death?” The answer would return, “Please leave this house. Of course, we have experienced death in this household.” With great frustration, Kisa Gotami buried her son in the forest. She returned to the Buddha now with the understanding that all men suffer and that her selfishness and longing for what was not possible only compounded her suffering.
Suffering is part of life. Death is part of life. We all grieve at certain losses of loved ones, friends, possessions, social rank, etc. However, suffering is inescapable. It is part of our very existence. When we accept suffering as a fact, we can unburden ourselves that our suffering is somehow unique. We can share that suffering with others in compassion (see yesterday’s blog) and we should try to carry the burden of another’s suffering as our own through our compassion. When we recognize the impermanence of life and things we can confront our suffering as we should, which is that it is a fact that will occur. Through acceptance, we can lighten our burden and not make it weigh us down to the point of not seeing forward or upward or around it.
Buddhist thought espouses that there are 4 Noble Truths: 1. Life means suffering.; 2. The origin of suffering is attachment.; 3. The cessation of suffering is attainable.; and 4. There is a path to the cessation of suffering. Without engaging in a thorough exegesis of Buddhism (which I couldn’t do anyway since my knowledge is at best cursory from just reading this short book), suffice it to understand that our path to eliminate suffering involves eliminating 3 behaviors: ignorance, craving, and hatred. Ignorance does not involve stupidity but ignorance of the fact that life will have suffering and that is part of our samsara, or existence. Second, the origin of suffering is our attachment or craving and constantly wanting (please read Tuesday’s blog on contentment.) Third, we must let go of hatred.
When someone attacks you, it is your response to the hatred that will either create your own destiny of self destruction or provide a channel of freedom based on your response to it. If you do not allow the hatred to consume you but to pass you by, that will free you. I have a gentleman who wanted to blaspheme my reputation and engage in slander. Of course, my initial reaction was vehement hatred, but I am truly truly free of that. I look at all humanity with equanimity and compassion and feel compassion for such an individual and for all humanity equally. I feel an intimate connection to all pain out there and feel pain deeply when someone is suffering. I have an innate sense of that because I have worked to cultivate that compassion. I am certainly far from being there and am a work in progress, but these blogs serve as a cathartic vehicle for me to express my inner soul to you and hopefully help someone out there who should decide to read these words.
This week we have investigated how we see positive things in our life (contentment and intimacy) and negative things in life (compassion and suffering) with the same vigor, tranquility, and open-mindedness to make our lives fulfilled and happy. Clearly, these short blogs do not do justice to the complexity of the book, The Art of Happiness, or all of the extensive writings of the Dalai Lama. These abbreviated thoughts are meant to frame further thinking, research, and emotional awakening in your quest for happiness.
The Art of Happiness Part 4 of 5: Compassion
January 8, 2009 by dr. lam · Leave a Comment
When we see each others as human beings and nothing more and nothing less, we see each other as our true selves. Please read yesterday’s blog if you have not done so already before reading today’s. It will help you to understand the meaning of today’s blog much better, and today’s blog represents the next level to achieve after yesterday’s.
The Dalai Lama talks about how we respond to a fish writhing in torment with a hook in its mouth or a bear wincing in pain with an arrow through its body. That universal sense of connection with any sentient being is known as compassion. The Dalai Lama separates “attachment” from “compassion”. Attachment is the feeling we have for someone we know or love because they are a friend, relative, loved one, etc. Compassion can be deeper and more universal in scope.
Although attachment may appear to offer a deeper level of feeling for another, universal compassion separate from attachment actually does. When one of our loved ones does something wrong, we may respond with hatred or resentment because we have that level of attachment. True compassion is separate from knowing that individual. It simply means if I see someone else suffering or in pain that I would respond to that individual because I feel their pain and believe in my heart for the natural right of every individual for happiness and to avoid suffering. Therefore, a vital component to compassion is empathy. Empathy involves putting ourselves in the position of the other person to feel what they are feeling and to get to the point that we can relate to their pain and share it with them.
The obvious question may be why would we want to involve ourselves with another’s despair? Would that not be in diametric opposition to our goal of wanting to attain happiness? The Dalai Lama explains that when we suffer for ourselves we enter an unbridled misery that is difficult to escape but when we suffer with another we feel an elation to be able to share that burden with another. If you see someone in pain, don’t dismiss it or leave it but feel what they are feeling and feel it as deeply as they do.
Compassion is at the heart of connecting with another. It helps unite our feelings. Sharing your burden with others can help lighten your load as well…of course, only to those with receptive ears and hearts. In the book, The Art of Happiness, the Dalai Lama commented he would talk to whoever was in proximity to him about his emotions so that they could share one another’s feelings, good or bad. For example, when he was confronted with the loss of his country, he talked to the person sweeping his floor in his chambers. Some have asked, “What did you get from sharing your thoughts with someone that could not help understand your plight?” He replied that he could share their common humanity and by doing so through a compassionate perspective share his own burden.
The next time you see someone in pain or suffering, don’t turn your eye away but connect with them so that you can share their pain and in so doing you will not feel more pain but a universal connection of compassion that is only positive for both of you. Reading today’s blog will help you understand tomorrow’s better on confronting suffering, our last blog on the art of happiness.
The Art of Happiness Part 3 of 5: Intimacy
January 7, 2009 by dr. lam · Leave a Comment
Okay, before you guys get too excited about this one, I am not talking explicitly about sexual intimacy (actually a little bit not a lot). Obviously, when reading the works of a Buddhist monk, you won’t get too much sage advice regarding sexual matters, or at least I hope not. What I am talking about is connecting with other human beings at the core level of humanity. Let me explain.
The Dalai Lama talks about how oftentimes we as humans see barriers of difference between us like our skin color, age, sex, religion, political views, education, social status, etc. However, the common linkage between all of us sentient beings is our humanity. Next time you see another person in front of you, try to remove all the trappings that separate you two and look “intimately” at their core self, which is their humanity. By doing so, we achieve a connectedness with one another that not only shapes the other person in front of us but it shapes us as well in a positive way.
Obviously, nurturing relationships of a romantic and sexual nature are part of what we seek in life. However, we can eliminate loneliness, oftentimes the driving force behind our actions, by becoming connected with all human life in an “intimate” way (no, not sexual.) When Dr. Cutler asked the Dalai Lama in the book, The Art of Happiness, whether he ever felt loneliness. The answer was immediate and succinct, “No.” Now, how did a monk who lived his entire existence without female companionship not feel loneliness? In short, because of his profound intimacy with human nature.
As a great exercise to start (hopefully to become innate over time for all of us), try to look at every human being today as a human being stripped of all manner of social rank, status, color, gender, etc. And connect with them. If you start to connect on a daily level with every human being you encounter as a human being and nothing further, feelings of loneliness and disconnect will begin to fade. I think it is a great way to live life and a way that can help us achieve a happiness that will be greatly returned as another individual radiates that warmth back and thereby escalates our happy state. Today’s blog is a prerequisite understanding for tomorrow’s on compassion.
On the subject of romantic intimacy, the Dalai Lama did have some words of wisdom. He noted those marriages that failed were ones based solely on physical attraction. Although physical attraction can draw two individuals together, that bond is fleeting. In order for that intimacy to endure, it must be founded on a deeper level of mutual respect. Oftentimes, romance as captured on celluloid works on a fundamental level of idealization of the other partner without the perception of the other as a human being but merely as an object. When the human flaws begin to poke through the cracks, which they inevitably do, the lust of the other as an object will be easily and irrevocably tarnished. Wise words from a monk!
P.S.: I’M REALLY HAPPY TO REPORT THAT AFTER MONTHS OF WORK, MY WEBMASTER HAS LAUNCHED AN ENTIRELY NEW BEFORE AND AFTER GALLERY. SHORTLY AFTER I LAUNCHED MY FLASH VERSION TO REPLACE MY HTML VERSION I REALIZE HOW NON-INTUITIVE MY NAVIGATION WAS SO I HAVE REPLACED IT WITH A VERSION THAT I THINK OFFERS THE BEST OF THE FLASH AND HTML VERSIONS. YOU CAN EVEN LEAVE COMMENTS ON MY BEFORE AND AFTERS. THE SLIDESHOW FUNCTION DID NOT SEEM TO WORK LAST NIGHT. I HAVE MY WEBMASTER WORKING ON THAT AND THERE ARE A FEW MISSING THUMBNAILS BUT I THINK YOU WILL REALLY LIKE THE FUNCTIONALITY AND FORM OF MY NEW GALLERY. YOU MAY ALSO NOTICE THAT THE THUMBNAILS ROTATE EVERY TIME YOU VISIT THE SECTION. HERE IS AN EASY LINK TO IT.
The Art of Happiness Part 2 of 5: Contentment
January 6, 2009 by dr. lam · Leave a Comment
Let’s start with the obvious, happiness is achieving profound contentment. Obvious? Not really. Most oftentimes, we define our happiness unwittingly as greed. We want something we don’t have. Surprisingly, once we get what we want, we are still unhappy because that is what greed is. It is insatiable. Greed creates an anxiety within us that whatever our current state whether “high or low” will still be deemed low. And even when we become higher, we will still express unhappiness. Even worse, if we lost what we had and now don’t have it, we live in even deeper despair.
In the book, The Art of Happiness, the Dalai Lama talks about how he loves supermarkets and all of the shiny things that can be procured at today’s epicurean über-markets. He starts with a deep lust and want for what is in front of him. He then understands that his pockets will soon empty by his fulfilling his wants only to leave him still wanting more. Instead, he replaces his desire for want with a thought of what he needs. The desire then quickly evaporates. Now, we all can’t be Buddhist monks. However, if we are filled with perpetual lust for what we don’t have, we will live in a state of negativity that in reality will never be satisfied by the very definition of greedy acquisition.
This does not mean that you cannot enjoy nice things or be wealthy. He in fact talks about two types of wealthy men in the book. One kind yearns and yearns for more and is never satisfied. When he loses any of his possessions, he suffers deeply at his loss. The other affluent gentleman appreciates his wealth but appreciates more a deep level of self contentedness that will not vacillate with his material status.
For myself, despite significant loss in the financial markets, I have still a very profound equanimity of spirit. Those material things that are lost are lost and so be it. I spoke with an individual a couple of years ago who lost a lot of money on certain investments and now lives by indiscriminately squandering his money simply because he could not make a go of his financial investments so why not just live for today and throw the money out the window? Well, neither situation is very good. Chasing money so as to horde it is not meritorious behavior nor is lustful pursuit of hedonism. Quiet contentment of your current blessings should be the root of happiness without the disquiet of chasing whatever else in front of us.
For an individual of unsettled ambition, this admonition serves me well and is something that I constantly battle. Fortunately, despite my love for beautiful things, at root I am very very happy with where I am today and work constantly to achieve a calm sense of happiness without regard to fluctuations in trivial acquisitions or monetary status. I was listening to my staff member, Darla, who expressed to me 2 weeks ago before I read The Art of Happiness, that she was contented. I then read the book and shared with her about the Dalai Lama’s teachings and how far in alignment she was with the attainment of happiness in her very expressed use of the word, “contented”. I think in the future I will try to use the words, “I am content” rather than “I am happy” since it truly reflects a calming sense of self-realization of where we should be today.
The Art of Happiness Part 1 of 5: Pursuing Happiness
January 5, 2009 by dr. lam · Leave a Comment
I just finished the book, The Art of Happiness, which involves teachings of His Holiness the Dalai Lama and his conversations with Phoenix psychiatrist Howard C. Cutler, M.D. Dr. Cutler tries to explore the ideas of Buddhist thought as preached and practiced by the Dalai Lama, as they would be explicable and applicable to non-Buddhists in the West. During this time of financial vicissitudes, we can perhaps learn a lot from global thoughts that antedate and continue to flourish during our lives from the Far East. I will not summarize the book but focus on select topics that have personal resonance for me that I thought would be helpful for my readership. These blogs represent an attempt for me at personal growth and self awareness and are letters written to myself that if burnished well will radiate to all those who are interested enough to read them.
The Dalai Lama believes that happiness is the singular purpose of life that supercedes all other concerns or at least represents the fundamental distillation of what our life should be about. At first glance, this comment seems to belie a monkish disposition and compel one to think that a monk is advocating some kind of dissolute, hedonistic life. Rather, as you read through this 5-part series, you will see that in fact the opposite is the case. In short, altruism and compassion are rooted in one’s own inner happiness.
As mentioned, we think that if we are to pursue happiness, we are in fact elevating our selfish nature. However, if we stop to think of how truly happy individuals can radiate kindness, compassion, and love to others; whereas, unhappy people pass on their disgruntled demeanor and horde and heave hatred and displeasure to all who encounter them. If we start with understanding how to reach a deep and meaningful happiness, we can use that as a launching point to help others. In fact, the act of helping others can be a truly happy action to take. But more about that later this week.
If life is for living, how else can we live but in a happy state. Living in a depressed, angry, or self-tormented condition will only lead to an unbearable state that contravenes our very nature. We were not born to live in misery. In fact, in one part of the book when Dr. Cutler asks the Dalai Lama about self-hatred, he received a befuddled silence in response. The Dalai Lama simply could not understand what this concept meant, as he had never encountered it in his sheltered world. If our fundamental nature is designed for happiness, then how can we achieve it? We will explore the following concepts over this next week: contentment, intimacy, compassion, and confronting suffering to draw broad strokes within which you can create finer etchings that will define your own existence.