Emotional Freedom Part 12 of 17: Emotional Vampire Type 2, The Victim
July 31, 2009 by dr. lam · 4 Comments
The second type of emotional vampire is the victim, or dependent personality. This individual constantly seeks your help because they feel that they are unfortunate, a victim of bad luck, or compelled into a bad situation through external, countervailing forces. They want your ear because, “My boyfriend stormed out…” or whatever litany of negative thoughts pervades their mind for the moment. If you don’t listen to them, they will say, “I thought you were a good friend.” Although you may want to help, you find that this individual is constantly draining your energy by demanding your attention, time, and solace.
If you encounter this type of individual, close off your body language to suggest that you cannot be there every time. If it is a coworker say, “I am sorry to hear that. I will send you beautiful thoughts today and hope for the best, but I need to return to my work to finish my tasks.” If it is a relative you can say, “Our relationship is important to me. But it is not healthy to feel sorry for yourself. I would discuss with you what you would like to talk about for 5 minutes but only if you have a prepared solution to your problem.” Obviously, a genteel voice and a firm hand can help avoid being trapped.
If you recognize your own traits of being the victim, you can do two constructive things. First, count your blessings every day and compare yourself with so many other people that are less fortunate than you are. Enumerate all your blessings and offer your gratitude for where you are today and what you have and who loves you. Second, think of your own constructive ways to solve any problems you may believe you are encountering rather than pipeline your thoughts over to the nearest warm body until they buckle.
Emotional Freedom Part 11 of 17: Emotional Vampire Type 1, The Narcissist
July 30, 2009 by dr. lam · 4 Comments
I found this section of Judith Orloff’s book the most fascinating, as many readers have. She featured emotional vampires in her previous book, Positive Energy, and is now planting the same theme in her current book. Emotional vampires in short drain you, make you feel bad about yourself, make you binge eat, etc. There are certain types of emotional vampires. Understanding which type you are encountering will save you from peril.
Besides recognizing when you are in the presence of an emotional vampire, we should recognize if we are being one ourselves. Self awareness is a critical attribute for anyone, and that is what these blogs are about. Rather than punish yourself and feel self pity, just make a concerted effort to change. As you read these blogs on different types of emotional vampires, try to see if you fit the bill to any degree. If so, just be honest with yourself and make the change.
The first type of emotional vampire she talks about is the narcissist. The narcissist is hard wired to see himself/herself as special, a guru, and simply put better than you. The narcissist is self-absorbed and manipulative and incapable of deep emotion. He/she can be charming or not charming, but usually is motivated by self interest. When dealing with a narcissist, do not try to talk down to them, or you will fail. Stroke the ego and that way you can get around the personality fault. Instead of saying, “Let’s go to the party”, you can say, “everyone likes you, they’ll miss you if you were not there.” Do not get emotionally attached to a narcissist because the narcissist will most likely not provide deep emotional support for you since they are more interested in themselves. Although the best option with an emotional vampire is to escape his or her presence, the second best is to recognize what type of emotional vampire he/she is and work to circumvent the personality faults so as not to trigger any more flagrant behavior.
Emotional Freedom Part 10 of 17: The Fourth Emotional Type, The Gusher
July 29, 2009 by dr. lam · 3 Comments
The fourth and final emotional type that Orloff describes is the gusher. The gusher is the individual who was born to share his/her emotions with others. He is the opposite of the rock and will let you know what he feels whether elated, bored, or miserable. They tend to be spontaneous, direct, authentic and trusted confidants. However, they oftentimes resist making independent decision or trusting their decision. They tend to need a poll from everyone before making a decision. They verbalize everything. When a problem arises, they are anxious to pick up the phone. They are often thought of as motormouths and their friends constantly tell them, “Too much information.” Despite these negatives, gushers are emotionally articulate, have a good supportive network of friends, value intimate relationships, are a sensitive listener and process difficult issues quickly. On the flip side, they may be drama queens/kings, turn to friends as therapists, and burn others out with their emotional purging.
To counter all of this, the gusher should first try to center his/her emotions before spewing it out. Love yourself mentally and verbally by offering yourself a word of affirmation. Set your intention to clear your emotion. During meditation, exhale negativity. Focus on your intuition to find a solution rather than soliciting tons of advice. Find the answer within. Center and ground your emotions when you are lost within them.
Emotional Freedom Part 9 of 17: The Third Emotional Type, The Rock
July 28, 2009 by dr. lam · 5 Comments
Orloff describes this third emotional type as the individual who listens well but does not articulate his/her own emotions well. Many people find rocks dependable. They can go to the rock for advice and for an ear and for a shoulder. The rock is the person you put as your doctor’s emergency contact because he is so dependable that he will be there for you when you need him. The rock is the most dependable person in the room.
However, the rock tends to be reclusive and does not take emotional risks unless prodded. The rock can remain calm in difficult situations but refuses introspection into his own emotions. The rock can watch a lot of television and take a lot of naps. Rocks are not really the most passionate of people even though they are very giving and respect others and wishing the best for them. They can harbor anger and frustration and refuse to challenge themselves to grow emotionally.
The ways to improve for a rock are first to light a fire to stir things up. Engage in life. Remind yourself that showing emotion is a form of generosity just as much as being dependable is. Keep a journal to express a feeling a day even if it is a negative one. Try to elicit emotions. Take a risk to share your emotions with someone by with your mouth and your heart.
Interestingly, this describes a lot of me. I think even though I have become more emotionally mature, the rock is who I am in many respects. These blogs are designed for me to become more active and to free myself from the confines of just being. I really love sharing my emotions more profoundly than I usually have in the past. It is an awakening for me. Rocks unite!
Mindfulness Mondays 9: The Middle Way
July 27, 2009 by dr. lam · 4 Comments
The life of Buddha has always held fascination with me and has lessons for all of us who want to achieve a peaceful, joyful life. I am not espousing Buddhism, as I am not a Buddhist. But I am a fan of learning from as many cultural traditions and great men/thinkers as possible.
Gautama Siddhārtha, also known as Śākyamuni, or “sage of the Shakyas”, was born of nobility to the King Suddhodana and the Queen Maya in the region of modern Nepal. On the night Siddhartha was conceived, Queen Maya dreamt that a white elephant with six white tusks entered her right side. When the baby was born, he was named Siddhārtha meaning “he who achieves his aim”. During his birth celebrations, the hermit Asita, prophesied that he would become either a great ruler or a great sage based on the birthmarks he observed on his feet (I have been told that my birthmark under my foot is the same as Buddha’s!). Siddhartha got married at the age of sixteen to a girl named Yashodhara and had a son named Rahula. Siddhārtha was protected from viewing human suffering and lived in three palaces according to the wishes of his father King Suddhodana who wanted him to be a great ruler rather than a holy man, as it was foretold that if he saw four signs: old crippled man, a diseased man, a corpse and a monk that Siddhārtha would become a monk, or religious leader. Until the age of 29, Siddhārtha was protected behind palace gates so that he would never see these four signs.
At 29, Siddhārtha ventured out with his charioteer Channa, despite his father’s attempts to shield his son from viewing any of the four signs. When Siddhārtha encountered the old man, he asked his charioteer, “What is that person?” His charioteer replied, “An old man who is about to die.” Siddhārtha then asked what death meant. Upon hearing the reply he queried, “How can any of us be joyful if we are all going to die?” When he saw the holy man, the fourth of the four signs, he decided that his life would be better served in a similar vein by becoming a monk.
He wandered the streets giving alms and rejected all his worldly possessions. He sought enlightenment from one great spiritual master then another. He practiced extreme forms of Yogic austerities to attain inner bliss. He stopped taking food entirely and became very weak by this constant torture.
One day, a girl Sujata offered him some milk to aid his emaciated frame, and Siddhārtha then rested under a pipal tree, today known famously as the Bodhi Tree, or tree of wisdom. After 49 days of meditating at the age of 35, under this tree he finally arrived at enlightenment and thereby attained the moniker the Buddha, or “The Enlightened One”. Buddha espoused that to escape human suffering, we must strive to achieve “the Middle Way” between the extremes of self-indulgence and self-mortification. He danced in a trance for 7 days when he was able to achieve this wonderful state.
This week as we set our intention and hopefully for the remainder of our life, look at the extreme gestures in your life and rid yourself of these extreme lustful yearnings or on the opposite pole, austere self-abnegation. Through balance and attaining the Middle Way, we can have a chance at a happier, more peaceful existence.
namaste,
sml