Practicing Peace in Times of War Part 2 of 3: The Courage to Wait
March 31, 2010 by dr. lam · 3 Comments
What is the antidote to anger? Patience. How is that possible? Think about it. When we are caught in an angry, provoking situation, what is our gut response? It is to get angry. In short, to lose patience. It takes mighty courage not to engage and what Chödrön calls “biting the hook”, which we have covered in a previous blog series more in depth, and I encourage you to read or reread.
The hook is like a fish that is near the bait. It is so tempting to bite it. Once we do, we are off and running. We lose control. Shenpa is the hook. It is what compels us into a frenzied state. However, through the practice of meditation and disengagement we can begin to feel ourselves separating from the anger. The first time this is very hard. It becomes increasingly easy to find yourself in a tight spot and not engaging, not escalating, not frothing at the mouth.
We need to find a level of patience that allows us to disengage. When we feel the kettle about to boil, when we feel the dynamite about to explode, take a pause, step back to see what there is to see that may be provoking us and disengage. Patience is the answer. In my yoga practice we call it “being comfortable in an uncomfortable situation.” That is what we need to do when confronted with an angry, escalating situation. I like what Dyer says: the words “You’re right” ends an argument. Otherwise, arguments are just another form of verbal escalation because our ego dominates and we do not practice patience and disengagement.
Practicing Peace in Times of War Part 1 of 3: Softening Our Hearts
March 30, 2010 by dr. lam · 2 Comments
“War and peace start in the hearts of individuals,” opens the book. Pema Chödrön, a Buddhist monk, whose writings we have covered in the past tries to help us weak individuals through meaning and peace in times of climactic, global warfare. Interestingly, we go to war to achieve peace. However, oftentimes it leads to more war. When we get home and all hell breaks loose, we will get angry in order to level the field so as to achieve peace. But in the act of hardening our hearts, we become worse off. We become more deeply ill at ease, more rigid, angrier, and tighter. It has quite the opposite effect when we allow anger into our hearts, i.e., when we engage in warfare of any kind.
Chödrön quotes from a poem given to her that the definition of peace is “softening what is rigid in our hearts.” I think that is a beautiful sentiment. It will be something that we will discover together over this blog series of trying to let go of innate anger, not to react when provoked, and methods to accomplish what may seem to be impossible.
Chödrön quotes from Jarvis Masters, a prisoner in San Quentin, who wrote the book Finding Freedom. Her favorite chapter, “Angry Faces” talks about how Jarvis used the light from a television to read at night. He turned off the sound and just let the flickering light bathe his books. He would occasionally look up and see an image on television that would appear to provoke his curiosity so that he would yell down the hall to ask his prisoner mates what was going on. “Jarvis, it’s the KKK. They are screaming about how the Jews and Blacks have caused all the world’s problems.” Then another angry face would appear and he would inquire again. “Jarvis, this time it’s the Greenpeace folk. They are screaming at how the trees are being cut down and the animals are being hurt.” Again, Jarvis inquires. “This is a guy from the U.S. Senate. He is angry at how the other side, the other political party, has caused financial ruin for our country.”
Jarvis concludes, “I’ve learned something here tonight. Sometimes they are wearing Klan outfits, sometimes Greenpeace outfits, sometimes suits and ties, but they all have the same angry faces.” Profound. How do we associate the Klan with the Greenpeace movement? We can when we are dealing with a tone of angry indignation against another human. When we practice war, when we engage in war, we allow our hearts to become rigid, firm, inflexible, and we are oftentimes worse off from it.
Mindfulness Mondays 44: Use Slogans
March 29, 2010 by dr. lam · 4 Comments
Many times we encounter a difficult or trying situation and we fail to know how to cope with it. We have worked tirelessly all of this time to learn from daily blogs but we then fail to bring a blog into focus so that we can use it to calm us down, look positively on the situation, etc. Using slogans that we have learned over the past few months to years of blogs can train our mind into focus when the crisis hits. They can almost serve as mantras. I would encourage you to look back at these blogs to find the ones that work for you. Here are some for you to memorize that might help you in times of trial and tribulation:
“It’s all invented”- This one is from Ben Zander. He says that in every life situation we can see misery or opportunity because everything we have in front of us is invented. We need to see that we have unlimited possibility in how we can see ourselves and how we can see others becuase “It’s all invented”.
“Remember Rule #6″- This one is so profound that I actually made up 6 placards on the tables of my respective businesses so that we all can remember not to take ourselves so seriously. If you want the story behind this rule, go to search my archives for this one.
“Be like water”- This Taoist philosophy is about being open, flexible, and flowing like water. Instead of being stiff we can see the beauty in being flexible in all things.
“The 4 Agreements”- This is not so much a slogan as it is a way of life if we remember the 4 agreements by memory, which I do: 1. Be impeccable with your word. 2. Never take anything personally. 3. Never make assumptions. 4. Always do your best.
“Live in the Now”- This Eckart Tolle expression says it all. We can’t live in the then or the future. We can only live now so we should be fully present in the present moment.
Remember whatever slogans or stories help you get through the week and through life. These are some of my favorite ones from our blog series.
Namaste.
10-10-10 Part 6 of 6: Parenting
March 26, 2010 by dr. lam · 2 Comments
Welch discusses a time when Roscoe, her eleven year old, was finally going to get his black belt the coming weekend. Unfortunately, Welch was asked to work a prestigious off-site event that would possibly make or break her career. She had a difficult decision to make. She used the 10-10-10 rule to help her decide. In 10 minutes, it would be rather a toss up. It would be perhaps easier to go to her off-site event, as her career seemed to depend on it. In 10 months, it seemed to be a toss up. She would probably be already promoted and her son may or may not have forgotten about it, especially if she doted on him more relentlessly. However, everything came into sharp relief when she saw herself ten years from now. The off-site event would have meant nothing. She would have been at the same position in her career. But her son may have lost his trust in her forever, and she would have regretted missing a once in a lifetime chance to see her son attain his black belt. She attended his ceremony and skipped the off-site event.
Obviously, we all make choices in our life. I think something as my own aside here is that we live our life without regret. We make the best choices we can and that is all that we can ever hope to do. 10-10-10 may not be important or useful in every circumstance but perhaps it may prove useful when you least suspect it.
10-10-10 Part 5 of 6: Work
March 25, 2010 by dr. lam · 2 Comments
Carol Ann was successful in her company but was offered a promotion so long as she moved from Tampa to Houston. She thought of it from a 10-10-10 perspective. At first, she would have a bit of a shock to leave her old friends but at 10 months she would be miserable because she would have no new friends but by 10 years she would have a great retirement fund and probably would have made new friends by then. By mixing the bag, she decided to take the job and make the move.
Obviously, not every decision is easy and sometimes we calculate wrongly but we can ask ourselves whether staying in our job will provide us not only immediate gratification but also long-term happiness as well. If we find that our misery will be prolonged and we cannot envision being in that job in 10 years, perhaps we shouldn’t.
Welch advises to ask whether your job fulfills these fundamental criteria for happiness:
- Does my job allow me to work with “my people”—those who share my sensibilities about life—or do I have to zone out, fake it, or put on a persona to get through the day?
- Does my job make me smarter by stretching my mind, building my skills, and taking me out of my comfort zone?
- Does my job open doors for me? That is to say provide me with skills that I could use in another job if need be.
- Does my job give me meaning?
By planning our 10-10-10 regarding our work, the questions above are a mix of both short- and long-term 10s that help us shape our decisions.