10-10-10 Part 6 of 6: Parenting
March 26, 2010 by dr. lam · 2 Comments
Welch discusses a time when Roscoe, her eleven year old, was finally going to get his black belt the coming weekend. Unfortunately, Welch was asked to work a prestigious off-site event that would possibly make or break her career. She had a difficult decision to make. She used the 10-10-10 rule to help her decide. In 10 minutes, it would be rather a toss up. It would be perhaps easier to go to her off-site event, as her career seemed to depend on it. In 10 months, it seemed to be a toss up. She would probably be already promoted and her son may or may not have forgotten about it, especially if she doted on him more relentlessly. However, everything came into sharp relief when she saw herself ten years from now. The off-site event would have meant nothing. She would have been at the same position in her career. But her son may have lost his trust in her forever, and she would have regretted missing a once in a lifetime chance to see her son attain his black belt. She attended his ceremony and skipped the off-site event.
Obviously, we all make choices in our life. I think something as my own aside here is that we live our life without regret. We make the best choices we can and that is all that we can ever hope to do. 10-10-10 may not be important or useful in every circumstance but perhaps it may prove useful when you least suspect it.
10-10-10 Part 5 of 6: Work
March 25, 2010 by dr. lam · 2 Comments
Carol Ann was successful in her company but was offered a promotion so long as she moved from Tampa to Houston. She thought of it from a 10-10-10 perspective. At first, she would have a bit of a shock to leave her old friends but at 10 months she would be miserable because she would have no new friends but by 10 years she would have a great retirement fund and probably would have made new friends by then. By mixing the bag, she decided to take the job and make the move.
Obviously, not every decision is easy and sometimes we calculate wrongly but we can ask ourselves whether staying in our job will provide us not only immediate gratification but also long-term happiness as well. If we find that our misery will be prolonged and we cannot envision being in that job in 10 years, perhaps we shouldn’t.
Welch advises to ask whether your job fulfills these fundamental criteria for happiness:
- Does my job allow me to work with “my people”—those who share my sensibilities about life—or do I have to zone out, fake it, or put on a persona to get through the day?
- Does my job make me smarter by stretching my mind, building my skills, and taking me out of my comfort zone?
- Does my job open doors for me? That is to say provide me with skills that I could use in another job if need be.
- Does my job give me meaning?
By planning our 10-10-10 regarding our work, the questions above are a mix of both short- and long-term 10s that help us shape our decisions.
10-10-10 Part 4 of 6: Love
March 24, 2010 by dr. lam · 2 Comments
Welch uses the example of a former business student, Ajitha, who asked to have lunch with her. Ajitha told Welch of how she used 10-10-10 in her relationship with her husband, Rohan. Ajitha loved to spend time socializing with her friends after work. Her more reclusive husband was okay with that until the birth of their child, Layla Ajitha continued to want to go out and leave the duties of childrearing to her grandmother to the protestations of Rohan. Ajitha then was offered a ski trip with her friends and without Rohan. Rohan was at a breaking point. Ajitha then sat down with the 10-10-10 formulation and realized that her last two 10s violated her love for Rohan and she decided that the two of them together needed to unify their 10-10-10 vision.
According to Welch, the 10-10-10 strategy can help bickering lovers or married mates see beyond the first 10 and peer together as a unified couple into the last two 10s to make better decisions. This is an interesting way of looking at the 10-10-10 formula, not as separate individuals but as couples.
10-10-10 Part 3 of 6: Values
March 23, 2010 by dr. lam · 1 Comment
Claudia, married to an adulterous husband for twenty-two years, continued in that relationship because she was fearful of what her fellow church friends would say about a scandalous divorce. In addition, she was afraid of her mother’s attitude toward divorce, so she stuck with it. It took 10-10-10 to see that her values were not in alignment and she did not want to be in the same position in another 10 years so she decided for a divorce. She was surprised that the women in church were actually supportive. At that point, she vowed that she would live her life through the filter of 10-10-10.
Our values will achieve greater clarity in many respects through the filter of 10-10-10, especially that last 10. I myself always wonder what will I think of myself on my deathbed. That oftentimes helps me make a decision that may be more 40-40-40 but nevertheless, it is still a long-range thought that is predicated upon fundamental values. When we think of that third 10, sometimes it offers clarity of vision that we would not otherwise have.
10-10-10 Part 2 of 6: Escalating Commitment
March 19, 2010 by dr. lam · 2 Comments
In the book, Welch recounts the story of Rachel who becomes involved with Kyle. The relationship started with an innocent flirt that blossomed into nightly conversations that stretched into the wee hours. However, the relationship never turned physical, not even with an innocent kiss. Rachel chalked it up to Kyle’s caring of his dying mother. However, after a year and a half of this conversational relationship, she saw Kyle in her mother’s hospital room with his long-term girlfriend, April, something that was never discussed between the two of them.
Although Rachel enjoyed the time she spent with Kyle, she also wasted that time with someone who had no interest in her for the long-term. She could have read the signs of his self-absorption if she had only opened her eyes early on. Instead she focused on the first two “10s” and did not see the last 10, which would have made all the difference.
When we have a relatively small painful decision now to make, it can become increasingly painful over time as our commitment becomes more entrenched. This is known as an “escalating commitment”. In fact, I was trying to help a colleague of mine recently with a potential fire by framing it as a “10-10-10” without having read the book yet. The concept of 10-10-10 was intuitive for me but it is a great communication tool for others. I tried to help her see that although the first two tens may be easy to decide, what would that last 10 be? Would in fact through an escalating commitment, there be tremendous grief down the road, only exponentially worse that what it would have been if the person were let go today instead.