Emotional Freedom Part 17 of 17: Steps to Emotional Freedom, Overcoming Frustration
August 11, 2009 by dr. lam · 2 Comments
We all get frustrated, in traffic, in a long line, in a problem that we cannot solve, etc. The answer to frustration is practicing patience. We all need to learn how to focus on getting ourselves out of the mud with frustration and disappointment. A study by Princeton University showed that those individuals with a well-developed neocortex were more prone to experience patience. We in turn can do this by expressing patience in our day-to-day challenges. We can evolve ourselves by working through patience by perhaps even choosing the slow moving line or the more difficult assignment. We can also look for things that normally we need immediate gratification for and instead we delay that gratification without anxiety or pressure.
Other exercises that might help involve trying to offer another individual who “lets you down” tolerance, patience, compassion, and forgiveness. We all let each other down, including you and including me. Most oftentimes we simply did not mean it. With that in mind, put yourself in the other person’s perspective and exercise patience.
I hope all of you have enjoyed this wonderful series that celebrate Dr. Judith Orloff’s brilliant ideas. I myself have learned a tremendous amount in how to cope with the stresses of daily life and how to overcome our own emotional limitations to achieve a greater degree of freedom and liberation.
Emotional Freedom Part 16 of 17: Steps to Emotional Freedom, Overcoming Fear
August 7, 2009 by dr. lam · 8 Comments
The second half of Dr. Orloff’s book covers paths to emotional liberation in exquisite detail, which she entitles “Your Tools for Liberation”. In deference to not just copying her book here, I would like to only discuss a handful of her ideas so as to encourage you to buy the book and read her ideas for yourself. As you would imagine, a blog series in no way can capture the rich detail that a book can or give you the ideas in a way that does the author complete justice.
The first step that Dr. Orloff discusses is overcoming fear. I think that is a big one. Especially considering our current economic and political climate, we oftentimes are gripped with uncertainty that dooms and glooms us in most cases unjustifiably so. When we live in fear we drain our cortisol levels as our amygdala is in a constant state of overdrive (read an earlier blog in this series entitled the biology of emotions to understand this concept better). We need to take steps to free ourselves from the clutches of fear and we can take baby steps to do just that:
1. Stop reading depressing news about the world and the economy.
2. Stop hanging out with downers: people who zap your emotional energy (see emotional vampires, the section we just finished).
3. Learn to find your sources of fear and overcome them by focusing beyond them toward solutions and toward positivity.
4. Look at your fears as a way for you to be spiritually free from them: ”How can this fear help me develop courage, become freer?”
Emotional Freedom Part 15 of 17: Emotional Vampire Type 5, The Splitter
August 6, 2009 by dr. lam · 2 Comments
The Splitter expresses borderline personality and is hard to deal with. At one moment the splitter may think very highly of you and be filled with praise and at a moment’s turn express deep disdain toward you that takes you by surprise. The splitter is prone to violent or emotional outbursts and is almost itching for a fight. The splitter tends to be filled with emotion but is relatively empty inside. They can be self abusive or self mutilating even, and spouses of splitters can lead lives of quiet desperation, being forced into a manipulated submission by their tantrum-prone behavior. Splitters are unsteady and can make an individual feel nervous or feel low about their own self-esteem after being attacked.
The way to handle a splitter is not to return a fight for a fight otherwise the situation only escalates with no visible end in sight. Remaining calm is the first step. Visualize a protective shield around you that can deflect their toxic negativity and disengage eye contact so that you don’t absorb all their venomous hatred. Establish guidelines on behavior as you would an uncontrollable five-year-old child. Finally, define solutions for their problems and say, “I’m leaving you until you become calmer. Then we can talk.”
Emotional Freedom Part 14 of 17: Emotional Vampire Type 4, The Criticizer
August 5, 2009 by dr. lam · 3 Comments
A kissing cousin of the controller, the Criticizer, as the name implies simply always degrades and criticizes everyone around her. She must make it a point to point out your physical, psychological, spiritual, and emotional flaws for her own betterment. She feels the pressing need to express her God-given right to be superior to those around her by telling you of your own problems cloaked in friendly advice,”Wow, you really could use a new dress.” The criticizer is born from a parental lineage of criticizing that has led to self hatred poured outward now to counterbalance the pervasive, lingering self hatred from her own parents and previous relationships.
To combat the criticizer, there are many options. First, stand your ground without being defensive and say, “I would appreciate that you don’t criticize my… because it does not make me feel good. I know your intentions are good, but I don’t feel good when you say that.” Put limits and boundaries on topics that are particularly sensitive like personal appearance, etc. Try to strike a compromise in a situation. For example, if your mate criticizes you for leaving dishes in the sink, divide up the task so that it gets done but where you obviously chip in as well. Finally, the love bomb is one of the most powerful ways to combat the criticizer. If you give tremendous love in return, that person will not know how to react and the walls will start to crumble.
Emotional Freedom Part 13 of 17: Emotional Vampire Type 3, The Controller
August 4, 2009 by dr. lam · 6 Comments
This Emotional Vampire, the Controller, is typically a perfectionist, living his life with rules, guidelines, and a self-imposed rigid framework. He oftentimes does not view himself as a controller, just right, and oftentimes feels that everyone around him does not meet his standards. He is domineering in his emotions and oftentimes likes to add, “Do you know what I think about your situation?” and wants to offer advice to you about everything. There is very little spontaneity with this person, and he can be very aggressive in his words and posturing. With any degree of vulnerability sensed, he will pounce and exploit those weaknesses for his own advantage. The controller is a classic micromanager, trusting no one he constantly tries to make sure everything is done his way.
Usually a controller controls others because he has a sense that his life is on the brink of chaos and lacks control so therefore he must exert control not only over himself but lord over all those in his immediate proximity. Remember that oftentimes the character flaw that a person expresses really reflects an own internal weakness that is merely amplified and turned outward.
The way to control a controller is not by controlling him. It is important that you stand your ground but try to do so only on important issues using reasoning and logic rather than verbal posturing or constant nagging and positioning. You can’t win in these situations. If the cap on the toothpaste has to be off, then leave it off and fight more important battles. Trying to control a controller will not end in a victory but misery. Obviously, if the situation with a controller leads to a crippling situation, get out of the relationship whether it is professional or personal.