Other exercises that might help involve trying to offer another individual who “lets you down” tolerance, patience, compassion, and forgiveness.  We all let each other down, including you and including me.  Most oftentimes we simply did not mean it.  With that in mind, put yourself in the other person’s perspective and exercise patience.

I hope all of you have enjoyed this wonderful series that celebrate Dr. Judith Orloff’s brilliant ideas.  I myself have learned a tremendous amount in how to cope with the stresses of daily life and how to overcome our own emotional limitations to achieve a greater degree of freedom and liberation.

The first step that Dr. Orloff discusses is overcoming fear.  I think that is a big one.  Especially considering our current economic and political climate, we oftentimes are gripped with uncertainty that dooms and glooms us in most cases unjustifiably so.  When we live in fear we drain our cortisol levels as our amygdala is in a constant state of overdrive (read an earlier blog in this series entitled the biology of emotions to understand this concept better).  We need to take steps to free ourselves from the clutches of fear and we can take baby steps to do just that:

1.  Stop reading depressing news about the world and the economy.

2.  Stop hanging out with downers:  people who zap your emotional energy (see emotional vampires, the section we just finished).

3.  Learn to find your sources of fear and overcome them by focusing beyond them toward solutions and toward positivity.

4.  Look at your fears as a way for you to be spiritually free from them:  ”How can this fear help me develop courage, become freer?”

The way to handle a splitter is not to return a fight for a fight otherwise the situation only escalates with no visible end in sight.  Remaining calm is the first step.  Visualize a protective shield around you that can deflect their toxic negativity and disengage eye contact so that you don’t absorb all their venomous hatred.  Establish guidelines on behavior as you would an uncontrollable five-year-old child. Finally, define solutions for their problems and say, “I’m leaving you until you become calmer.  Then we can talk.”

To combat the criticizer, there are many options.  First, stand your ground without being defensive and say, “I would appreciate that you don’t criticize my… because it does not make me feel good.  I know your intentions are good, but I don’t feel good when you say that.”  Put limits and boundaries on topics that are particularly sensitive like personal appearance, etc.  Try to strike a compromise in a situation.  For example, if  your mate criticizes you for leaving dishes in the sink, divide up the task so that it gets done but where you obviously chip in as well.  Finally, the love bomb is one of the most powerful ways to combat the criticizer.  If you give tremendous love in return, that person will not know how to react and the walls will start to crumble.

Usually a controller controls others because he has a sense that his life is on the brink of chaos and lacks control so therefore he must exert control not only over himself but lord over all those in his immediate proximity.  Remember that oftentimes the character flaw that a person expresses really reflects an own internal weakness that is merely amplified and turned outward.

The way to control a controller is not by controlling him.  It is important that you stand your ground but try to do so only on important issues using reasoning and logic rather than verbal posturing or constant nagging and positioning.  You can’t win in these situations.  If the cap on the toothpaste has to be off, then leave it off and fight more important battles.  Trying to control a controller will not end in a victory but misery.  Obviously, if the situation with a controller leads to a crippling situation, get out of the relationship whether it is professional or personal.

If you encounter this type of individual, close off your body language to suggest that you cannot be there every time.  If it is a coworker say, “I am sorry to hear that.  I will send you beautiful thoughts today and hope for the best, but I need to return to my work to finish my tasks.”  If it is a relative you can say, “Our relationship is important to me.  But it is not healthy to feel sorry for yourself.  I would discuss with you what you would like to talk about for 5 minutes but only if you have a prepared solution to your problem.”  Obviously, a genteel voice and a firm hand can help avoid being trapped.

If you recognize your own traits of being the victim, you can do two constructive things.  First, count your blessings every day and compare yourself with so many other people that are less fortunate than you are.  Enumerate all your blessings and offer your gratitude for where you are today and what you  have and who loves you.  Second, think of your own constructive ways to solve any problems you may believe you are encountering rather than pipeline your thoughts over to the nearest warm body until they buckle.

Besides recognizing when you are in the presence of an emotional vampire, we should recognize if we are being one ourselves.  Self awareness is a critical attribute for anyone, and that is what these blogs are about.  Rather than punish yourself and feel self pity, just make a concerted effort to change.  As you read these blogs on different types of emotional vampires, try to see if you fit the bill to any degree.  If so, just be honest with yourself and make the change.

The first type of emotional vampire she talks about is the narcissist.  The narcissist is hard wired to see himself/herself as special, a guru, and simply put better than you.  The narcissist is self-absorbed and manipulative and incapable of deep emotion.  He/she can be charming or not charming, but usually is motivated by self interest.  When dealing with a narcissist, do not try to talk down to them, or you will fail.  Stroke the ego and that way you can get around the personality fault.  Instead of saying, “Let’s go to the party”, you can say, “everyone likes you, they’ll miss you if you were not there.”  Do not get emotionally attached to a narcissist because the narcissist will most likely not provide deep emotional support for you since they are more interested in themselves.  Although the best option with an emotional vampire is to escape his or her presence, the second best is to recognize what type of emotional vampire he/she is and work to circumvent the personality faults so as not to trigger any more flagrant behavior.

To counter all of this, the gusher should first try to center his/her emotions before spewing it out.  Love yourself mentally and verbally by offering yourself a word of affirmation.  Set your intention to clear your emotion.  During meditation, exhale negativity.  Focus on your intuition to find a solution rather than soliciting tons of advice.  Find the answer within.  Center and ground your emotions when you are lost within them.

However, the rock tends to be reclusive and does not take emotional risks unless prodded.  The rock can remain calm in difficult situations but refuses introspection into his own emotions.  The rock can watch a lot of television and take  a lot of naps.  Rocks are not really the most passionate of people even though they are very giving and respect others and wishing the best for them.  They can harbor anger and frustration and refuse to challenge themselves to grow emotionally.

The ways to improve for a rock are first to light a fire to stir things up.  Engage in life.  Remind yourself that showing emotion is a form of generosity just as much as being dependable is.  Keep a journal to express a feeling a day even if it is a negative one.  Try to elicit emotions.  Take a risk to share your emotions with someone by with your mouth and your heart.

Interestingly, this describes a lot of me.  I think even though I have become more emotionally mature, the rock is who I am in many respects.  These blogs are designed for me to become more active and to free myself from the confines of just being.  I really love sharing my emotions more profoundly than I usually have in the past.  It is an awakening for me.  Rocks unite!

However, the downside for an empath is that the empath can be easily overloaded, feel anxious and depressed.  They have a hard time saying no to people’s requests.  They feel tense in a crowded place and can be emotionally drained at the end of the day or after spending time with others.  Orloff believes that many individuals who are considered to suffer from chronic fatigue may be mislabeled empaths.  Many empaths cannot easily handle criticism, as they are overly sensitive.  Sometimes, they are so emotional that they have hard times determining boundaries for their emotions with others and therefore may be less developed in their cohabitation skills and may remain single because of it.

If you have some or most of these traits, then Orloff offers ways to combat the negative attributes while preserving the good features.  First, enlist your intellect.  Use your logic that may not be a typical way for you to respond by saying, “I can handle this situation” and then breaking it down into how you will do so.  Allow yourself quiet time away from all the noise.  Either step outside into the fresh air for a time alone, especially during a bustling work day.  Or, what Orloff (who is a self-proclaimed empath) likes to do is to go to a public bathroom and then just meditate for a few minutes.  She contends that public bathrooms are the only areas of sanctioned spaces for solace and respite.  Practice what she calls “guerilla meditation” meaning that you counter the emotional overload by finding a private place to close your eyes to decompress and to lower your expectations for yourself.  Focus on the exhalation to release all of the low energy vibrations and to get yourself less worried and at peace.  Outside of meditation, she says recall your five most emotionally rattling experiences and figure out a plan to avoid them again.  Learn to say “No.”  As she says, “No” is a complete sentence and a complete response.  No explanation beyond that is required.  If you are overwhelmed in a social environment, have your own means of transportation to leave that situation before you become agitated or flustered.  Before entering a crowd, eat a high-protein meal beforehand to ground you and sit at the periphery or aisle of the theatre or party, not the dead center.  Carve out private space in your home where you can retreat when you are feeling overwhelmed.

Although I myself am very empathic with others, I do not share many of the negative attributes of this emotion but have some friends who now I recognize in them these characteristics.  I think what is wonderful is that even if we are not a certain type of individual we can help recognize who is and not put that person in a vulnerable situation and also teach that person strategic mechanisms to avoid the situation to begin with.