Change Your Thoughts-Change Your Life Part 17 of 20: Living by Remaining Low
April 21, 2009 by dr. lam · 4 Comments
The 61st Verse:
A great country is like the lowland,
toward which all streams flow.
It is the reservoir of all under heaven,
the feminine of the world.
The female overcomes the male with stillness,
by lowering herself through her quietness.
So if a great country lowers itself before a small one,
it wins friendship and trust.
And if a small country can lower itself before a great one,
it will win over that “great” country.
The one wins by stooping;
the other, by remaining low.
Two of the omnipresent symbols that Lao-Tzu uses are the feminine and water, which he enlists with great effect in this verse. The oceans rest lower than the streams so all the waters lead into the mighty ocean. Accordingly, when we quietly exert our presence, people and things are drawn to us. Similarly, the feminine or yin energy is a quiet and friendly one compared with the male-dominating yang. Oftentimes we are led to believe that to succeed we must leverage our yang energy but that oftentimes pushes people away from us. In history, when a leader would subjugate another people by force, it would lead to brutality, which would invariably lead to a returned brutality and self annihilation. Instead the feminine or yin energy leads by quiet example rather than forceful intervention. This type of leadership creates a more lasting and peaceful condition that continues to grow and mature rather than be fought and destroyed over time.
It is interesting because I radiate a very quiet yin energy, and I think that is why more women are drawn to me than men. I lead through a quiet presence rather than a forceful one. My staff and I are like a unified family rather than a totalitarian regime in which I rule by force of will. That kind of yang energy will be short lived and lead to mutual dissolution.
In some of the verses of the Tao Te Ching that I did not cover in this blog series, Lao-Tzu discusses how the yin energy is more in harmony with nature, which is a central tenet of his philosophical thesis. He looks at this “Divine Mother” as a life-giving source of all things. Being harmonious with nature means being in harmony with your yin energy. As you have progressed over this month (and many previous months), I have focused on many precepts that are of essence yin in nature. Today, quietly lead others by your yin energy and draw them to you like streams to an ocean rather than through force of will.
The Mastery of Love Part 7 of 10: Self Love Vs. Selfishness
March 24, 2009 by dr. lam · 8 Comments
This is a big topic. At first glance, these two things seem to be precisely the same, when in fact they are polar opposites. When we love ourselves we will not act selfishly. When we hate ourselves, we will act out of fear and loathing and will respond to the world in a selfish way. Remember in last week’s blog, we talked about two courses that we can pursue in a relationship: the track of love and the track of fear.
When we love ourselves and are happy/content in our lives, we can radiate love to all those around us. Our magical kitchen we talked about yesterday is full, and we can make any dish that we want. However, when we live in a fearful state that we don’t have love, then we follow the track of fear. By doing so, we only see scarcity and we act out of fear that we will lose that precious relationship because we are needy. Alternatively, we may be just filled with emotional poison that we transmit to all of those around us like the emotional ping pong that we addressed last week. When we are filled with self poison, self loathing, and self hatred, we look at the person next to us with that same dread and we push their emotional buttons to release our own poison. We then have that other person release that poison back onto us, and matters escalate.
When you are accepting of yourself and when you reach a happy state even without reference to another person, you invite love in. As I talked in my leadership series, you must first work on yourself. You must lead yourself. You must love yourself, then others can love you. Or if you are a leader, then others will follow you. All of you who read my daily blog are on the same journey with me toward life fulfillment, enrichment, happiness, and peace. I am honored that you can work with me on our personal journey toward self love and away from selfishness.
Leadership Gold Part 10 of 10: Making Critical Decisions
February 27, 2009 by dr. lam · 4 Comments
There is no time that a leader shines (or sinks) than during a crisis situation. As Maxwell says, 95% of the time, you don’t need a strong leader but that 5% is when the team rallies around the leader or dismisses him. Churchill is perhaps one of the shining exemplars of stepping up to a leadership role when the crisis in Europe was at England’s doorstep. Churchill’s entire leadership was defined by his wartime role in getting Britain to victory.
Decision making during crisis times can be very difficult. When Steve Jobs stepped in to Apple in 1997, he was confronted with a profound crisis that was about to unravel the company he founded. His leadership during this time of peril pulled Apple from the brink of disaster and infused the company with a newfound creative direction in computer design and entering the world of music that was unchartered but necessary.
Fortunately (or unfortunately), I have not had major crises, but I have had too numerous to count smaller crises in my organizations. I think one of the defining things that a leader can do is cut a valuable player when that individual bucks against the culture and causes a cancer to envelope the organization. If the leader can align the individual into the fold, then the day is saved. But if the leader cannot, the individual can destroy the morale of the company and undermine the credibility of the leader. No one person is too valuable to the organization to let go. This is a difficult thing to understand for any leader but one that I have learned and relearned the hard way for all of my organizations. The culture is king.
There is a game that I have played on EO retreats called the “green tail” or also start, stop, and continue. It is a hard one to play but should be played when there is already a deeper level of intimacy in a group and when one can “not take something personally” as one of the 4 agreements we talked about. The idea behind this is that if one person thinks you are doing something wrong, then perhaps that person is wrong and not you. If two people think you are doing something wrong, then it just might be true. If three people think you are doing something wrong, then it probably is true. The idea of the green tail is the same. If one person thinks you have a green tail, you may or may not. If two people think you have a green tail, then maybe you do. If three people think you have a green tail, then you better turn around and check. In the exercise, everyone in the group writes anonymously on a card what they want you to “start doing, stop doing, and continue doing” then they pass all the cards to the person about whom the card is written. It is not an easy exercise. I continually ask my staff if I have a green tail because I want to make sure earlier before it is too late when I need to cut off the green tail.
Maxwell calls this the “Bob phenomenon”. He had an employee whom everyone thought was just dreadful. Of course, his name was Bob. Bob obviously did not think he himself was terrible. However, who was wrong? Of course, Bob. One of the critical roles of a leader is not to let a Bob survive in the organization if he is behaving like Bob.
Leadership Gold Part 9 of 10: Getting the Meeting Done Before the Meeting
February 26, 2009 by dr. lam · 4 Comments
Maxwell is full of practical advice. My major goal this year is to schedule consistent monthly meetings for the entire year, which I have already done. I have also done that for my salon and spa. One thing that Maxwell talks about is having a meeting before the meeting with your key players. I am now soliciting ideas and advice from my key players and from all players well in advance of the meeting for several reasons.
First, I want to know what is on their mind before I walk through that door. That helps me avoid being blindsided by something in public that we should have probably addressed in private first. Second, it brings clarity to the subject so that the person bringing it up can have a “coach” before the meeting. That is what we do in my EO forum. When someone is going to present the following month, the presenter undergoes intense coaching from last month’s presenter (or from someone who is well versed in the presenter’s subject matter) so that the presenter can achieve clarity and focus before walking into the meeting. In fact, a bad presentation in my forum can be blamed as much on the presenter as it can on the coach who failed to coach the presenter adequately. Third, meeting key players before the meeting will help elicit a coalition so that there is relative unanimity on a subject before going in so that we are all not in a bickering mood. Fourth, it helps create a continuity so that the meeting is not just a single isolated happening once a month. I actually have weekly meetings for my spa and even shorter meetings almost every day since my spa is in a growth trajectory. As I have mentioned in a previous blog, accountability is very hard to have on a monthly basis. A weekly basis or shorter interval is necessary for any real level of accountability to be had.
I know this topic is one in which it seems pretty focused on a business owner trying to lead his/her staff. However, I think this subject can be applicable at many levels even for non-business owners or non business people all together. For example, if you are a staff member, you might want to make sure that a task is being completed on time, so you set up regular meetings to make sure that things are progressing well. You would then personally meet with your team members between these established meetings to make sure everything is in fact on track.
In my EO forum, I have learned a valuable trick that does not breach confidentiality (which is sacred to me and my forum group). Some of my forum members actually carry out family meetings on a weekly basis in which even the kids lead the meetings. This teaches children a leadership role early on and allows them to learn how to delegate, assume responsibility, run a meeting, and be on time. Obviously, the parent could run the meeting too. Even spouses together can have a family meeting if there are no children in the family. There are many versions, permutations, and merits to a meeting, but the focus of this blog is understanding the merit of the meeting before the meeting. Maxwell is simply brilliant and insightful.
Leadership Gold Part 8 of 10: People Quit People, Not Companies
February 25, 2009 by dr. lam · 7 Comments
This is perhaps one of the toughest things to own up to. I like the saying, “People join companies, but they leave managers.” I try to always remember that. When someone wants to leave a job, too often we as leaders just blame the person or the amorphous identity of the organization. However, it might very well be our own fault. Typically, I look at myself to see what I am doing wrong and an exit interview can be very helpful to see whether I was the problem even unwittingly in the calamity.
A leader must have natural skills as a leader that rank above the leadership capacity of those under him/her. A person of a leadership capacity of 8 will not follow a leader who is sitting at a 3. It is the law of respect. When the staff cannot respect the leader, they will leave and gravitate around a stronger leader that can lead them the right way. The law of respect follows the law of competency. When a leader is incompetent or less competent than a staff member, the staff member must per force leave. It is almost impossible to work for someone above you who really should be beneath you. I learn a lot from my sister. She has oftentimes complained in the past (repeatedly) that she could not follow her leader because he/she was simply incompetent. The entire team knew he/she was incompetent but the leader didn’t.
At the same time, I have learned a very valuable lesson on the flip side. When someone is not happy or wants to leave, bless them to leave. Do not try to negotiate a better salary, perks, promise this or that, just let them leave. Even though quality people are great finds when you find them, they are replaceable. That sounds harsh, but it is true. What Maxwell says is that a poor leader will have a very limited pool of people to draw from, but a great leader will have a huge pool of people to draw from. Now, that does not mean that I am not fiercely loyal to my staff. My staff is fiercely loyal to me, and I to them. It just means let people go when they need to go, a hard lesson for me but one that I realize is a truism that must be understood and lived. Also, listening to Rand Stagen give a talk about company life cycles (both depressing and exhilarating), he mentioned that an employee of his was recruited to go elsewhere. He was of course not thrilled with it, but he realized that he could and would remain loyal to his staff that chose to leave. He would endorse him and still stay proud of who that staff member was and would be…even outside the context of his company. I hope my staff never leave me, but if they do I won’t put up a fight. I will bless them on their way if they have better opportunities than what I have to offer them.