After a bitter quarrel, some resentment remains.
What can one do about it?
Being content with what you have
is always best in the end.

Someone must risk returning injury with kindness,
or hostility will never turn to goodwill.
So the wise always gives without expecting gratitude.

One with true virtue
always seeks a way to give.
One who lacks true virtue
always seeks a way to get.
To the giver comes the fullness of life;
to the taker, just an empty hand.

This dichotomy of the world between givers and takers is a wonderful way to see the universe and how you fit in it.  When I begin each day, I hope for the chance to help heal someone emotionally, physically, or both.  My mission is to give.  Too often when a plastic surgeon looks at a patient, he sees a potential source of revenue, i.e., to take.  I love the idea that each patient that I have can be a recipient of my giving and not a conduit for me to make more money.  Yes, of course, plastic surgery is my business, but I look at my life’s mission as something truly deeper and more profound.

 In addition, this verse talks about how we can harbor resentment after a quarrel because we end quarrels with a mutually negative termination.  We refuse to give up a position, and we must put our ego on the offensive and the defensive.  We believe we have the right to be upset because of someone else’s actions or words.  I like what Dyer says, “Make this your standard response to any future altercations:  I end on love, no matter what!”  As stated in Lao-Tzu’s other verses, we should return kindness for any unkindness that we receive.  By being a giver and openly giving of ourselves, especially our love, we simply let go of ego so that no conflicts arise in front of us and therefore resentment never builds.

Today, don’t start a conflict.  If a conflict is started, look for ways to end it with kindness and love.  Rather than be angry at the world, be loving.  Rather than to take from others today, look for ways to give of yourself without the expectation of gratitude or praise.

I hope all of you have enjoyed and learned as much from this masterful book of 81 verses as I have.  This month-long meditation has been filtered through Dyer then filtered again through me.  I chose only 20 of the 81 verses that had personal resonance for me and that I thought would be helpful for all of you as well.  I encourage all of you to read the Tao Te Ching in full and perhaps select your own verses that can help you with your daily life.  These verses are the ones that I needed to learn from and wanted to share with you.

There is a saying among soldiers:
I dare not make the first move
but would rather play the guest;
I dare not advance an inch
but would rather withdraw a foot.

This is called
going forward without advancing,
pushing back without using weapons.

There is no greater misfortune
than feeling “I have an enemy”;
for when “I” and “enemy” exist together,
there is no room left for my treasure.

Thus, when two opponents meet,
the one without an enemy
will surely triumph.

When armies are evenly matched,
the one with compassion wins.

Remember that when we talked a few weeks ago that when we hurt others, we essentially hurt ourselves.  When we help others, we will in turn help ourselves.   As Lao-Tzu states “for when “I” and “enemy” exist together, there is no room left for my treasure.”  Our treasure is our peace of mind and connection with the Tao.  When we perceive enemies all around us, we cannot live in a peaceful state.  We are constantly embattled, embroiled, and emblazoned with this combative atmosphere.  Once we let go of the idea that we have ANY enemies, we can seek our victory over our “enemies” by achieving a deep-seated peace.

Give up the concept that we have enemies in front of us, whether personal or professional.  Give up the need to constantly fight with another.  Just work on yourself for personal/professional growth.  We need not concern ourselves with the enemy or perceive that individual as such.  Dyer talks about in athletic competition, we should look at our opponent as a facilitator for our own way to achieve victory.  We can look at the other person as a vehicle for that gain if and only if that person is performing at his or her best.  It can bring us to new heights.  When we stop looking at the other side of the net, so to speak, as an adversary but instead as a colleague to drive us forward, then we can experience true peace and true victory.  Let all your ideas of an external enemy fall away.  See all those around you as emanating from the same original source of the universe.  Let go of judgment, hatred, and antagonism.

What is at rest is easily managed.
What is not yet manifest is easy to prevent.
The brittle is easily shattered;
the small is easily scattered.

Act before things exist;
manage them before there is disorder.
Remember:
A tree fills a man’s embrace grows from a seedling.
A tower nine stories high starts with one brick.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Act and destroy it;
grasp and lose it.
The sage does not act, and so is not defeated.
He does not grasp and therefore does not lose.
People usually fail when they are on the verge of success.
So give as much care at the end as at the beginning,
then there will be no future.

The sage does not treasure what is difficult to attain.
He does not collect precious things;
he learns not to hold on to ideas.
He helps the 10,000 things find their own nature
but does not venture to lead them by the nose.

The most famous line of the Tao Te Ching is “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”  Meditate on that single line today.  We forget that to run a marathon requires taking a first step.  To create a forest requires planting the first seedling.  Procrastination should be avoided and we should plunge forward with our first steps in the direction we so desire by exercising the power of intention we discussed several weeks ago.

If we are suffering with an addiction or a bad habit, we need not promise ourselves that we won’t ever do that bad habit again.  Instead, we compel ourselves not to do that habit or addiction today.  We take that first step and focus entirely on today.  We renew that pledge daily with ourselves.  If we see a daunting and overwhelming task in front of us that bedevils us with its inherent complexity, we break that assignment into manageable smaller steps and proceed forward in a methodical fashion.

Also, we attempt to “act before things exist; manage them before there is disorder” so that if we live a Tao-centered life, we slowly move forward toward a direction we desire before a crisis occurs.  We don’t allow a situation to become a crisis because we manage it daily with small steps moving forward.  Sense disorder before it arises because “the small is easily scattered” and “what is not yet manifest is easy to prevent.”  As Dyer says, “Become a master anticipator.”

Also enjoy the little steps that you take on your journey.  You have heard me mention countless times that these blogs do not represent a destination but a journey which all of you are on with me.  With the Power of Now in full force, we simply live each day (each step) with abundant joy as we move along in our life’s journey.

A great country is like the lowland,
toward which all streams flow.
It is the reservoir of all under heaven,
the feminine of the world.
The female overcomes the male with stillness,
by lowering herself through her quietness.

So if a great country lowers itself before a small one,
it wins friendship and trust.
And if a small country can lower itself before a great one,
it will win over that “great” country.
The one wins by stooping;
the other, by remaining low.

Two of the omnipresent symbols that Lao-Tzu uses are the feminine and water, which he enlists with great effect in this verse.  The oceans rest lower than the streams so all the waters lead into the mighty ocean.  Accordingly, when we quietly exert our presence, people and things are drawn to us.  Similarly, the feminine or yin energy is a quiet and friendly one compared with the male-dominating yang.  Oftentimes we are led to believe that to succeed we must leverage our yang energy but that oftentimes pushes people away from us.  In history, when a leader would subjugate another people by force, it would lead to brutality, which would invariably lead to a returned brutality and self annihilation.  Instead the feminine or yin energy leads by quiet example rather than forceful intervention.  This type of leadership creates a more lasting and peaceful condition that continues to grow and mature rather than be fought and destroyed over time.

It is interesting because I radiate a very quiet yin energy, and I think that is why more women are drawn to me than men.  I lead through a quiet presence rather than a forceful one.  My staff and I are like a unified family rather than a totalitarian regime in which I rule by force of will.  That kind of yang energy will be short lived and lead to mutual dissolution.  

In some of the verses of the Tao Te Ching that I did not cover in this blog series, Lao-Tzu discusses how the yin energy is more in harmony with nature, which is a central tenet of his philosophical thesis.  He looks at this “Divine Mother” as a life-giving source of all things.  Being harmonious with nature means being in harmony with your yin energy.  As you have progressed over this month (and many previous months), I have focused on many precepts that are of essence yin in nature.  Today, quietly lead others by your yin energy and draw them to you like streams to an ocean rather than through force of will.

Governing a large county
is like frying a small fish.
You spoil it with too much poking.

Approach the universe with the Tao
and evil will have no power.
Not that evil is not powerful,
but its power will not be used to harm others.
Not only will it not do harm to others,
but the sage himself will also be protected.

If only the ruler and his people would
refrain from harming each other,
all the benefits of life would accumulate
in the kingdom.

This is similar to previous verses on returning unkindness with kindness, but I have chosen it because I think there is a deeper truth herein.  If we simply do not accept that evil can befall us or that evil words can harm us, we have a level of immunity that is profound.  If someone screams an injurious word against us, we let it pass by and around us.  We return a kind smile and loving thought, and we become immune to that person’s negativity.  We cannot be abused because we radiate love.  Evil has no impact on us because we do not live in that world.  We are on a different planet all together.

I was in the parking lot at the local mall, and I saw one lady almost hit the car of another lady.  One lady was screaming at the other, and the other lady returned her volley.  Honking ensued, and various other profanities emanated.  I walked peacefully by and actually could not even feel any disarray in my emotions or thoughts.  When we allow the world’s news of chaos and disaster to take our soul, we become subjugated by evil.  It soaks into our pores.  However, when we release all evil thoughts and not accept them even when they are targeted against us, we enter a truly peaceful state in which we are entirely immune from the slings and arrows of evildom.

Those who know do not talk.
Those who talk do now know.

Block all the passages!
Close your mouth,
cordon off your senses,
blunt your sharpness,
untie your knots,
soften your glare,
settle your dust.
This is the primal union or the secret embrace.

One who knows this secret is not moved by attachment or aversion,
swayed by profit or loss,
nor touched by honor or disgrace.
He is far beyond the cares of men
yet comes to hold the dearest place in their hearts.

This, therefore, is the highest state of man.

The first two lines of this verse are the most famous of the entire Tao Te Ching and have been oft quoted to the point of banality:  ”Those who know do not talk.  Those who talk do now know.”  Perhaps hackneyed to death, we can still extrapolate profound wisdom by seeing the truth in their words.  We very much become soothed by the loudest and clearest voice.  I certainly do not want to be viewed as a brash or overly emphatic ringleader to a contrived community.  Rather than being in love with me as a person, look at me as a vehicle for your personal growth.  Take me entirely out of this equation as a person, as someone to be spoken highly of, to be adored.  I would like for me, Sam Lam, to be part of this community rather than only be viewed as an exceptional mouthpiece.  As I have repeatedly stated, these blogs are letters written to myself to improve me first.  You are just reading my open letters to myself.  Seeing things that way I hope you will ride on this journey with me rather than follow me in any perverse cultish way.  There are too many vocal ringleaders out there.  Please take me off that pedestal, and let’s make this journey as colleagues toward a wonderful present and a beautiful future.

Let’s be silent today and let our inner voice shine rather than our loud obnoxious one.  Usually the loudest voice in the room is the one we should not listen to.  It is one that projects his own insecurities to everyone around himself.  It is a voice that tries to own your opinions and your mind.  It is there to assume power and reign over you, and no one should do that.  Be silent and listen to the silence of those around you.  The most silent individual in your proximity may actually bear the most wisdom.

Whoever is planted in the Tao
will not be rooted up.
Whoever embraces the Tao
will not slip away.

Generations honor generations endlessly.
Cultivated in the self, virtue is realized;
cultivated in the family, virtue overflows;
cultivated in the community, virtue increases;
cultivated in the state, virtue abounds.

The Tao is everywhere;
it has become everything.
To truly see it, see it as it is.
In a person, see it as a person;
in a family, see it as a family;
in a country, see it as a country;
in a world, see it as a world.

How do I know this is true?
By looking inside myself

We oftentimes think that we are an insignificant piece to the universe.  That our actions have no radiating effect on those around us.  But we are part of the fabric of the universe, and our words, thoughts, and actions can either have a dramatically positive effect on those around us or be an agent for destruction for everyone that should come into our proximity.  Knowing and acknowledging our infinite nature rather than any tangible finite qualities allows us to tap into that universal spirit and energy.  These blogs are a way for me to touch hundreds if not thousands of people across the universe.  Your responses how ever trivial you may imagine them to be (which they are definitely not) are a way for you to make a magnanimous gesture of creating ripples of positive energy to that same audience.

Martin Luther King changed the world.  Gandhi changed the world.  Churchill changed the world.  But so did Hitler, Stalin, and Genghis Khan.  If we look at ourselves as a finite mass of flesh, we will never be able to surmount that constricted Weltanschauung.  Dyer quotes the anthropologist Margaret Mead as saying, “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world.  Indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.”

We are capable of making change and making that change for one person at a time.  We are capable of making a difference.  When I go to work, each person and each patient that I encounter I look at as an opportunity to be a change agent for good in their life.  I look at the chance to make a positive impact, to heal, to lift up, to bring peace, to bring love, and to bring a beautiful, shining light.  If we start to tap into our universal energy, we will then be able to be a change agent for good because we will live every moment of our life doing so.  Today go out and radiate all those good things and make a difference in all those who are fortunate to come into contact with you.

The sage has no fixed mind;
he is aware of the needs of others.

Those who are good he treats with goodness.
Those who are bad he also treats with goodness
because the nature of his being is good.

He is kind to the kind.
He is also kind to the unkind
because the nature of his being is kindness.

He is faithful to the faithful;
he is also faithful to the unfaithful.
The sage lives in harmony with all below heaven.
He sees everything as his own self;
he loves everyone as his own child.

All people are drawn to him.
He behaves like a little child.

This is one of my favorite verses.  We are oftentimes programmed to react to others’ unkindness by returning the favor.  We will love those who love us.  But how do we respond to those who hate us?  What happens in an argument or a conflict?  Do we have to be right all the time?  Do we judge others by names like “lazy, dishonest, stupid, foolish”?  We live our lives too often in a reactionary mode to others’ thoughts and then try to defend ourselves by our own superlative ego.  We look down on others around us because they do not conform to our own moral code.

Now how do you treat yourself?  Do you also judge yourself by thinking, “Boy, I am a really bad person for doing this thing”?  Or how about when you do something good, do you think:  ”I am truly a holy person today for what I have done”?  We oftentimes not only judge others but we append those same appellations of judgment upon ourselves so that we must be labeled.  We should just be and not try to make sense of every small action we take.  We do not need to fit into a self-righteous position nor do we need to fit into a self-abusive one.  

Today take away your need to judge and only observe neutrally.  That does not just mean for all of your acquaintances today but also of your own actions.  Take the moral rigor that you impose on others and also on yourself away.  Start to live with love and kindness toward yourself and others.  Return unkindness with kindness.  That also means how you treat yourself.  Don’t beat yourself up but also don’t pat yourself on the back for being so great.  Just be.  Let go of all judgment to others and to yourself.

Which means more to you,
you or your renown?
Which brings more to you,
you or what you own?
I say what you gain
is more trouble than what you lose.

Love is the fruit of sacrifice.
Wealth is the fruit of generosity.

A contented man is never disappointed.
He who knows when to stop is preserved from peril,
only thus can you endure long.

This verse is so dead-on right.  Although I like nice things in life, I have worked more and mor not to think of such trivialities.  What is the next thing I must have?  Hopefully nothing.  I think when we live our life solely or principally in pursuit of material things, we will never be satisfied.  We are living in a condition of wanting, which as you know means desire but also the absence of having.  By being satisfied, we no longer want or desire and feel contented.

The more material possessions we own, the more we begin to worry about losing them.  I have certainly been a victim of this thinking and now am trying to just be simply happy and not worry about any need for material gain.  Are you living your life simply in the pursuit of wanting more things?  I like Bud Fox’s quote from 1987′s movie Wall Street:  ”How many boats to water-ski behind do you need? When is it enough?”  Do you spend most of your day talking about what you can buy or what you need more of?  Do you think incessantly about what you can buy?  Today, look at what you don’t need and what you are happy with.

The softest of all things
overrides the hardest of all things.
That without substance enters where there is no space.
Hence I know the value of nonaction.

Teaching without words,
performing without actions –
few in the world can grasp it –
that is the master’s way.
Rare indeed are those
who obtain the bounty of this world.

 Lao-Tzu’s writing takes a lot from nature, and in the first stanza he is elliptically referring to the way that water moves.  Water is the softest of all things and effortlessly flows forward.  Too often we are always in a determined hurry to push ourselves through force of determined will to advance.  However, if we are like water, we flow forward effortlessly.  

Many runners talk about the ability to improve their running by letting the mind’s interference go.  When the mind tells the runners they must do this or they can’t possibly do that, there is an imminent failure.  However, when the runner starts to work in an effortless plane and make the mind soft, they can propel themselves more easily to the finish line without even knowing it.

When we meet resistance in life, we force our ways through the resistance with a hardness of character.  We might just find that by not trying too hard, we can succeed much more.  Sometimes the beauty is in the nonaction and in the peace of silence.  I myself am guilty of the need to always do and not let things go and just be.  If we are encountering a difficult situation in which we are trying to cram a square peg into a round hole, perhaps we need to be soft like water and allow rather than force.  We may more easily pass around the obstacle and flow forward rather than abruptly force ourselves in a way that hurts us, hurts others, and may lead to ultimate failure.