Excuses Begone! Part 12 of 12: What’s the Payoff?
October 13, 2009 by dr. lam · 11 Comments
We are creatures that are motivated by reward. Well, what is the reward for living in our own self-imposed, restricted world view? What is the reward for letting that go? Dyer talks about how he quit smoking. He always felt the reward for smoking was the pleasure of doing so, or so he told himself. He began to substitute that reward system with the dignity of not doing it so that he would save his health and kick a disgusting habit. When he replaced a new reward system, he could see an escape from his own trap.
Many times our reward system is safety. We feel safe not to engage in a new behavior because it is risky, dangerous. Excuses allow us to blame others for our own faults. “I can’t afford it” may mean “You buy it for me, or “Because you are rich that is why you succeed. I am just poor.” We accept our limitations because it is far easier not to accept the truth of our own responsibility. We blame others for our inadequacies rather than taking ownership. Do something that feels unsafe. Get out of your own safety habits. Take an unplanned vacation. Where a piece of clothing that you would not normally do. When we start to do something that feels unsafe (but that would not jeopardize our lives!), we can begin to feel how it feels to do something bold, which is typically very good.
Another way to let our guard down is to let go of ego. The way that we conduct ourselves is almost always in a semi-combative attitude with another. We must win. We must be right. We must be stronger. All of these positions come from ego. When you get into a discussion, start with, “Oh, you are right about that.” What? You conceded? Yes. Once that happens, there is peace. Without positions, we let our egos go. Let go of your ego, explore how to get out of your ego by thinking of a bold move, and allow yourself the freedom to be free of excuses by looking at what you would gain if you changed your paradigm.
I hope you have enjoyed this series of blogs that celebrate the teachings of Dr. Wayne Dyer. We all have a lot to learn including me, and I appreciate your taking this journey with me of life, love, peace, and joy!
Excuses Begone! Part 11 of 12: Where Did the Excuses Come From?
October 9, 2009 by dr. lam · 2 Comments
We can begin to see perhaps a time or a place where the excuse came from. If we can isolate our past and perhaps acknowledge that an excuse came from either a different time in our life when we were not as mature or when our world view was different, then we can begin to see how different we are today. We can be our own psychologist and investigate the roots of our own excuses and thereby help us liberate ourselves from our past and our prejudices.
Ultimately, we need to aknowledge that our excuses came from within, i.e., from ourselves. When we take ownership of the excuse rather than try to blame someone else, we can begin to see that we have an ability to free ourselves. For as long as we say, “My parents are that way, that is why I am this way, “ we remain trapped. When we way, “I have always been that way, that is my nature,” then we do not allow our capacity to take ownership of where we came from and that we can change.
I like Martin Luther King Jr.’s quote in the Birmingham city jail on April 16, 1963: “We can never forget that everything Hitler did in Germany was ‘legal’ and everything the Hungarian freedom fighters did in Hungary was ‘illegal’. When we say, “The rules won’t let me do it,” we may in fact be following arbitrary rules that were prescribed from false authorities that confine our actions. Following our heart is the most steady and truest guide to our own destiny. Follow your heart and free yourself of your excuses.
Excuses Begone! Part 10 of 12: Is It True?
October 8, 2009 by dr. lam · 2 Comments
Too often we simply assume the excuse to be true. “I can’t afford it.” “I am too stupid.” “I do not have enough energy.” “I will always be fat because that is who I am.” Well, are these certitudes certain? Are you 100% certain that these excuses are real. Can there be an allowance that in fact you could afford it, that you can attain enough energy to do the task, that you are equipped mentally well enough to undertake the task, that in your nature you are actually thin? If you are not 100% certain that nothing will change, then you can allow for the chance that a new paradigm can replace the old one. We need to begin with the simple question, “Is it true?” When the obvious answer (or maybe not immediately obvious) is that it is not true, then we can begin to shed our old paradigm and see the veracity of a new paradigm. We can begin to allow the entry of a new paradigm with that one simple question that can compel us toward a new paradigm free of outdated excuses.
Perhaps my best paradigm shift this past year was that I enjoyed unhealthy food and now I don’t. I worked out a lot but still liked a big old fashioned hamburger. Now, it is not to say that I don’t like some fries every now and again (everything in moderation) but now I really truly have shifted my relationship with food. In the past, I would shove down whatever was in front of me without restraint. However, after going to France and eating slowly and focusing on healthier, greener foods my diet has radically changed. I relish fresh foods. As you know, I also read Michael Pollan’s books, The Omnivore’s Dilemma (an upcoming blog series) and In Defense of Food, that radically shifted my perspective on food. As I always say, the power of positive thinking is bunk. It must be a more fundamental change in our perceptions. We cannot sugar coat our feeling or perception. We must believe in its veracity. We must adopt a new paradigm. It all starts by questioning the truth of our last paradigm, or at least entering the possibility of a small chink in the armor. I never thought that I would not be drinking a diet coke every day or not enjoying fried food anymore. However, these items are way down on my list of things I even remotely enjoy. Today, fruits, vegetables, and healthier foods turn me on! Open your heart and mind to what outdated paradigms need to be discarded so that you can embrace a bright, shining new one!
Excuses Begone! Part 9 of 12 : Changing Your Paradigm
October 7, 2009 by dr. lam · 2 Comments
In the final section of Dyer’s book, Excuses Begone!, he summarizes ways for you to implement the changes he outlines in the first part of the book. Constructive, pragmatic tools that can facilitate one’s change in paradigm and thereby change in behavior. Many of his ideas have been covered in past blogs but are worth repeating herein as a gentle reminder of ways to improve our lot in life. Here is what he recommends:
- Stop labeling- Many times we append words to action that not only condemn the action but the person committing it. He uses the example of “I am forgetful” for his forgetting his keys all the time. This attitude compelled him to live up to his own expectations of forgetfulness, and he continued to forget his keys. He first stopped labeling himself as an individual of forgetfulness and worked to become more aware of his keys, how they felt in his hands, the action he took upon leaving his car or his house, and he saw how the forgetfulness started to dissipate. Stop condemning yourself for a past action or thought and become free of it by removing any labels you might have about it.
- Start living life fully in the now- We have probably addressed this issue so much that it is almost not worth repeating here, but it is. We can live life in a very mundane routine when we stop feeling our surroundings. When we sit in a chair, we don’t feel the chair. When we eat food, it is tasteless because we are thinking about what we need to do in 10 minutes. We don’t enjoy the company we keep because our mind is somewhere else. Constrain yourself to feel everything around you and fully live in the moment. When you do so, you liberate yourself from the pervading, nagging judgment that you hold in your conscious and subconscious mind and you begin to truly feel connected with the moment.
- Stop complaining and explaining- When we complain we essentially create a verbal excuse about our behavior, “Oh, it is not my fault, did you see what she did to me?” We hold other people accountable and try to free ourselves from our own actions. Remember to try to live by the first of the four agreements, to be impeccable with your word, meaning to be clean with how you say things. That will help remove our constant need to complain about ourselves and of others. Many people may not accept you or may doubt your intentions. You may feel the need to explain your situation to them. Allow yourself the freedom to stop explaining everything you do. You can keep your explanations to a small cadre of friends and family who truly understand you deeply.
- Live in a supportive and caring world- The world is how we create that world. If we see other people as negative toward us, we will live in such a fashion. If we see that other people are essentially kind and want to help us, we will have more help than we need. We create the environment we want by how we see it. Changing our attitude will become an important first step to change our world. Excuses do not live in a world that is free of hostility and blame. Excuses only live in a world that we create and won’t let go because we need them to get by. Co-create your world as a loving, kind world and live that way.
Excuses Begone! Part 8 of 12: Passion and Compassion
October 6, 2009 by dr. lam · 9 Comments
I have combined two chapters into one here. I will dwell more on compassion than passion because it is a larger topic for discussion. Passion concerns that innate, burning enthusiasm of how we face life that can override doubts, fears, and judgment. When we live life passionately, we live by our own convictions that overshadow our own irrational fears and the irrational fear imposed by others. If you recall, I had a patient ask me why my hair transplantation was better than someone else’s. So I went through every detail of the procedure, but I said after about 10 minutes that everything I do can be summarized with a simple word, “Passion.” When you love what you do, then your work shows. I like to say, “Start and end with passion,” then there are no room for excuses.
For some of my longstanding blog followers, you will remember a series of blogs on compassion from the Dalai Lama’s The Art of Happiness. We now explore that concept more in detail in the following stories:
A woman kneeling by a river encountered a lustrous, precious stone. She held it up in her hands in admiration and then stowed it away in her knapsack for safekeeping. A starving man meandered near the river and spied the woman. He asked desperately, “Would you have any food to spare me please for I have not eaten in three days.” The woman opened her knapsack to give him a crust of bread. The man glimpsed the precious stone in the bag and wished he had the stone that would solve all of his woes, provide him with security, and offer him enough food to sustain him. He asked the woman, “Could I please have that stone?” The woman gleefully reached into the sack and handed her stone over to the man. The man in astonishment took the stone and scurried away. Several days later, the man returned to the river to give the stone back to the woman. The woman looked quizzically at the man. He then explained, “I do not want the stone but I would like to have instead what you have that allowed you to give that stone away.” That is compassion. When all that the woman saw was a man in need more than she was and she gave that stone away without thinking, she practiced profound compassion.
Another story of compassion that Dyer tells is Leo Tolstoy’s Three Questions. In this story a king wants to succeed and believes he can do so if he could have three questions answered: 1) when is the best time to take action, 2) who are the most important people to interact with, and 3) what is the most important action to take. He enlisted the help of many learned men who came to his kingdom in hope of a mighty prize for their efforts. Each gave his own opinion that conflicted with another’s, and the king ultimately refused all these learned insights because he did not agree with any of them.
Frustrated, the king ventured out into the forest in search of a famously wise hermit. He shed his royal vestments and journeyed unkempt, unshaven, and in beggar’s clothing. Upon arriving, he asked the hermit his three questions. The hermit refused answer but instead went outside to tend the garden. Seeing that this frail man was in need of assistance, the king took over the duty of pulling out the weeds and planting the vegetables. After a few hours, the king asked the hermit the same questions again but received another mute response.
Just then, the king and the hermit encountered a man bleeding profusely from the abdomen from a sword wound. They rushed him into the house, held pressure over the wound, bandaged him, and gave him food and water until he was fully revived. The man said to the king, “I heard that you king were coming out alone by horse to see this hermit so I intended to come to kill you since you executed my brother and stole my property. Not having returned back to the forest, I waited for you but then I encountered your bodyguards who sliced my belly, and you saved me. For that, I have given up revenge and will be your servant for life.” The king replied, “I am so sorry for my past actions. You shall have your property back, and I shall send my servants and physicians to tend to you until you are fully well again.”
The king then asked the hermit again to answer his three questions. The hermit responded that the answer was already given. The king looked befuddled. The hermit replied, “When you saw me, you had pity for me so you helped me tend my garden. If you had not done that, you would have returned earlier via the forest and would have been killed by the man whom we saved. When you saw the man in trouble, you helped the man and by doing so have restored peace and have given the chance for a man to reconcile with you. So to answer your question, the best time to act is now. The most important person to be with is the one you are with now and no one else. You must treat that person with as much compassion and love as possible. And the best actions to take are ones that help your fellow brother.”
When we live in compassion for others, we start to see God. When we live to help and to give, we gain so much more. Excuses go away by themselves when we begin to give. I had a young teenage man who had come to me spurned by a woman and who desired plastic surgery to restore his self-image. He came to me after 5 pm unscheduled, and I was on the way out the door. I listened to his problems and recommended that he read the 4 Agreements and the Power of Now, and I said the best way to get him out of his funk is to start with an act of compassion. Give of yourself to someone else and you will reap far greater rewards. Our excuses go when we start and end with compassion.