Changing Beliefs Part 1: Remembering My Father
September 22, 2008 by dr. lam
A few weeks ago, I attended this lecture by Dr Jayne Gardner who told about how a father can be a tremendous influence in one’s life and even more than one’s mother can shape your worldview. Of course, if you grew up without a father or he was not a major influence in your life, then you can look toward your mother to perform this little exercise.
Before continuing to read this blog, if you would like to try out this exercise, close your eyes for a moment and try to remember a time that you and your father shared and stick with the first memory that comes to your mind. When you have that memory firmly planted, start to remember that event as vividly as possible and try to fill in the details of how you felt, what you thought, etc.
When you have already done that, then you can continue reading here. When I did this exercise, the first thing that came to my mind was not truly a memory of a time of my father and me but a photograph when we were in Hong Kong at a country club sitting happily and eating sherbet. I actually can’t even remember the event but it was firmly planted into my mind and I couldn’t shake it. At the time of the didactic, Dr. Gardner did not explore what my memory meant but I kept thinking to myself why did I think what I was thinking.
When I went to Montreal a couple of weeks ago, Emina, my hair transplant coordinator, who also is an emotional coach and who recently published her book Emotions Simplified, helped me explore where this memory was coming from and what significance it might hold for me. As she explored my childhood, I talked about how my father suffered from a birth defect that left his bones very fragile and I had witnessed him break his bones many many times during my childhood. I was emotionally devastated each time that happened. As part of Chinese culture, there is a lot of shame in sharing with others a family “weakness”. So I think despite my love and pride in my father I felt a lot of shame. I am glad that I feel more comfortable sharing this with everyone now that my father has passed away 2 years ago.
Also growing up in Texas in the 1970s and 1980s, I experienced a lot of racism overt and covert by my peers. I got into numerous fights for being called out as being different. I looked at myself as not fitting into the society that I entered, leaving my native Hong Kong at the tender age of 3. I struggled to adapt and I worked hard to climb through obstacles and studied hard (as any good Asian kid would do) to succeed in life.
When speaking with Emina, the full meaning of the memory of my father came into sharp focus. I had been feeling quite a bit of shame for my father’s illness and for my difference in race that I had most likely unconsciously harbored so I remembered a time when I was back in my native land (actually it was a return trip to Hong Kong) before my father was seriously ill. It was basically a happier time free of any of these feelings of inferiority and difference that I had held within me. It is also striking that I could only remember a photograph and not even the incident. Perhaps that symbolized how I had truly removed my emotional state from that experience and all I could even see was a static photograph.
When I was in Montreal, a doctor came up and called my name, “Sam Lam.” I was wondering who was this guy. He said, “You have the best hair transplant website on the planet.” Instead of humbly accepting his remarks, I started to talk about all the changes to the website I was planning, etc. Essentially I was that “different” kid trying to fit in when I was actually being approached and being appreciated for being different. In short, I had to change my belief structure now to see that being “different” is actually what has made people be attracted to me. I don’t have to prove anything anymore. I just had to be me (“had to be I” if you are being a grammatical stickler, but that sounds too weird here to write).
If you can remember that time with your dad, perhaps the memory can show you something that has limited you today in your belief system and that has limited your personal, spiritual, or professional success and that you must change to break free from that old belief system.
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