Lessons from EO Part 3 of 5: Conflict Resolution
February 4, 2009 by dr. lam
We tend to encounter a conflict and have no idea how to manage it. As an administrator/CEO, I have to be managing conflict in small and big ways all the time. Running 4 businesses (my plastic surgery practice, the spa, the salon, and the building) forces me to deal with multiple, different personalities each of whom has a different agenda, socioeconomic/cultural/ethnic background, age, gender, motivations, position, and career objectives. In short, it compels me to understand human nature to the best of my ability so that I can exercise leadership in bringing disparate personalities and move them in the same direction. Trust me, this is not always easy or should I say it is never easy. And, I have great staff and people I work with. I can’t imagine what it is like in corporations with poor culture and unmotivated staff. Interestingly, the technique that I am about to share with you can be found in how to resolve conflicts for children in grade school and is reportedly posted on the wall in many schools according to Ellie Byrd, the trainer who taught me this technique last Friday at my EO moderator training session.
If you follow the 4 Agreements we talked about 3 weeks ago, you will remember how we should remain impeccable with our word, not to take anything personally, not to make assumptions, and to always do our best. Interestingly, almost every conflict arises from violating one of these basic tenets. A staff member may not be impeccable with his/her word, and someone else takes it personally. Or, we make an assumption over a situation and that situation actually was misconstrued based on our subjective perceptions or limited facts that we obtained.
In order to manage conflict, we have to abide by some basic steps. First, if you are the one in conflict with another person, you should confront the individual (not belligerently) and see if this entire situation arose from a miscommunication or a poor assumption. Too often, we are tempted to turn to another individual in the organization or a friend of yours to declare, “You know this person is very bad because…” when in fact we are disseminating the same gossip and hate that the other person did. In addition, we are committing another serious grievance, which is gossip not to mention perhaps making a false assumption about another.
The next level is to seek a moderator or intercessor for the current problem to see whether a third-party individual can help resolve the situation. It is important that the moderator listen to each party in the same room so that there is no bad mouthing of the other without that person being there. The moderator then uses some basic skills to separate the elements of the conflict: facts- ask the different parties to state the absolute facts of the situation; opinions- ask the different parties to share their opinion about the situation; feelings- ask the different parties to share their feelings about the situation; and wants- ask the different parties to share their wants about the situation.
If this does not rectify the situation, a group discussion should be brought to focus on team building rather than finger pointing. Using several bright minds to resolve the conflict may be better than 1 or 2. Also, it is important that the moderator constantly remain impartial and not to permit any derogatory or desultory remarks. The moderator must always create the dominant rhythm and spirit to move the discussion forward with calm and impartiality and thereby set the tone that is necessary to resolve the conflict. When working in a group, the leader should elicit responses first from the most empathic voice not the one who is going to perhaps exacerbate the situation. Choosing the first voice to speak can be important to further the tone in the right direction.
Sometimes, conflicts can be healthy when resolved. They can bring a deeper sense of clarity and help one personally grow through a problem or perceived problem. They can inspire authentic communication, release pent up rage, enhance one’s understanding of one another, help individuals improve behavioral skills such as tolerance, patience, and compassion. It can also help individuals learn techniques and strategies to solve problems. As moderator this year of my Forum, I will play a key role as a mediator during times of conflicts, which I hope will not arise with any serious frequency.
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Great insights on conflict resolution..
thanks heather! i appreciate the nice feedback. keep writing in!