Lessons from EO Part 4 of 5: Confidentiality
February 5, 2009 by dr. lam
Oftentimes, we hear a juicy bit of gossip and we are tempted to just tell one person. We are tempted to tell our spouse, our loved one, just to let that little bit of gossip that is just too good to hold for ourselves. Working in my EO group for now almost 3 years, I have learned the value of a safe haven and of confidentiality. In our Forum, we consider a breach of confidentiality so serious that it is almost impossible to stay within the group. When confidentiality is broken, it is not even a question of the security between the person who committed it and the person against whom it was committed, it colors the security of everyone around them. When confidentiality is broken, trust is irrevocably severed.
I have many individuals in the building come to me with confidential matters because they know that I keep things absolutely confidential. First, I have no burning desire to share something confidential, and it is something that has now become part of the fabric of my existence. Have I failed in the past? Of course. However, I am now a secure wall because confidentiality is a basic core foundation for my Forum group. It is something that naturally carries forward to the other elements of my life.
During my moderator training on Friday, Ellie Byrd recounted the story of Attila the Hun who told a servant a deep secret and then insisted that the servant not tell anyone else. Attila was so afraid that his servant would blab that he went ahead and killed the servant to ensure secrecy. Accordingly, you can now tell the person you are telling in confidence that this comment is “Attila the Hun.” As a word to the person telling the confidential matter, make sure that what you are telling is not gossip because that is in direct violation of the 4 agreements that we have been discussing and hopefully honoring. Nevertheless, sometimes you just need to share something to help you relieve your own pent-up anxiety. Or, you need someone to help you get through a certain situation, but you need the sensitivity that such information does not become widely circulated. Confidentiality should be a cornerstone to how we live.
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6 Responses to “Lessons from EO Part 4 of 5: Confidentiality”
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Have you noticed that in those times (last 3 sentences) we’ll tend to choose someone known to us NOT to gossip? Maybe that seems ‘duh’. We know who tells and who doesn’t.
There was some genius, I forget if he’s lving or passed. The kind of person who walks around thinking of math equations, solutions, like that. Interviewer asked him what he regrets, and he said having to eat or sleep because he’d rather be THINKING about something, trying to solve a problem.
I wondered long about a mind like that. He had no room for nonsense. A lot of gossip is simply that.
I want to respect my own mind. In keeping with that-I can’t have room, can’t have time for the gutter talk, thoughts. If I DID, then I would know to myself that I am quite DULL without more complex ideas to move me!!
great. i love the positive energy. keep it up!
Dr. Lam, I totally agree with you that confidentiality should be a cornerstone to how we live. The world would be a much better place if there was no gossip. Thanks for bringing this to the forum! I once saw a painting from Norman Rockwell, titled “The Gossip”; it humorously shows how gossip circulates, emphasizing how undesirable gossip really is. I am making confidentiality a new priority in my life.
Thanks!
I’m using your blog as a daily self-improvement session. Glad I came across it!
Keep Rock’n!
Nord, nice ideas!
heather, have you read the blog on the 4 agreements from about 3 weeks ago? they really cover the idea of gossip much better than yesterday’s blog on confidentiality. i would really recommend reading them (and the book) if you have time.
best,
sml
Yes, I did read your blogs on the four agreements!…..and understand that they are an intricate part in the core of your philosophies. Wow, there’s a lot of personal enlightenment from the four agreements! I have placed that book on hold at the library. Thanks for recommending it! I’m into personal growth & social psychology, as well as philosophy and look forward to reading it!
fantastic!