The Four Agreements Part 3 of 5: Don’t Take Anything Personally
January 14, 2009 by dr. lam
The second agreement is based on the understanding of the first (be impeccable with your word); in fact, all subsequent agreements are predicated on committing to the first agreement. If you did not read yesterday’s blog, please take a moment to do so so that you can fully appreciate today’s message: “don’t take anything personally.”
As we discussed yesterday, when you take something another says personally, you have fallen under the black magic of the other person. The other person cannot hurt you if you don’t allow it. The only way that the other individual can create chaos in your heart is if there is already an emotional wound that is open and your belief system already subscribes to what the other person is inflicting. “You are so stupid.” You quietly assent, “Yes, I am.” What you don’t assent to consciously is the mantra that has been perpetrated against you in your youth that you were given this agreement by another individual and you chose to hold on to that belief system and carry it forward. However, if someone calls you a dirty name and your heart does not permit the injury, then it won’t happen. The emotional bruising that is inflicted is actually deepened in the sender when the receiver refuses to accept the insult.
As stated yesterday, the insult that the person levels against you reflects more about the person giving it than the receiver. When you say, “You are fat.” It mostly reflects the sender’s own issues with his or her self identity and associated insecurity. If you have been programmed all your life that you are overweight, your brain will accept the other’s emotional poison as veracity and you will be crippled by it. Just remember that when someone speaks ill of you, it most likely reflects an internally directed dialogue that exhibits that person’s weakness rather than yours.
Many times the reason that we accept an insult or personal sleight is that we have conflicting messages that circulate in our own dream by virtue of our mitote, or fog, that I discussed on Monday’s introductory blog. We don’t trust ourselves because we don’t have a single, clear message that we tell ourselves. We are living our own personal dream in a fog. So when someone else wants to level their claim against us, we accept it since the voice is louder than our very own. We as humans tend to create our own suffering and revel in it. Whether we choose to live in our own personally designated hell is a question of our own volition.
Tack up a message on your refrigerator that reads, “Don’t take anything personally” as a first step toward implementing the second agreement. Be impeccable with your word so that you don’t let anyone inflict injury on you and so that you don’t take anything personally. Tomorrow we continue onward with our journey.
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13 Responses to “The Four Agreements Part 3 of 5: Don’t Take Anything Personally”
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Excellent!
So true!
Message tacked. This is such useful wisdom. A friend shared another with me, the ‘good enough’. Not to encourage mediocrity, but to remind ourselves we must (sometimes) simply step away and let it be… good enough.
Also, Vancouver-you’re awesome. I LOVE THE BLOGS!!
just out of curiosity, how did you come up with nord now? can’t figure it out? like to share or is that private? nord as in north in french?
No, not French. Family name way back. Scandinavian. Reminds me of a big viking and makes me feel very bold.
Ellis Island kept the j.
hey, we have another blogger – hello Nord! Thanks for the kind words.
And here are my two cents – well, actually they are the Dalai Lama’s thoughts:
Not only will we suffer less if we do not take things personally when confronted with insults, but he suggests that we can go even further and look at such situations as opportunities to develop patience and tolerance. From this point of view, those wishing us harm are actually very beneficial to us, a blessing even, because they provide us with the opportunity to develop these qualities.
And here are really my two cents now:)
From personal experience I can say that all this is very true. I had a colleague who was very antagonistic towards me, and I just couldn’t understand why, because I was always nice to her. First, I let her comments affect and hurt me, but eventually I decided to not take them personally and to try to look beyond the words at the person. I got the impression that she felt threatened by me professionally and started to consciously complement her and her work, especially in front of other people. In no time she became friendlier and more relaxed and likely more reassured of herself, and I have not been the recipient of any snide comments since.
So, to sum up, I believe that people who inflict harm on others indeed often do so because they are insecure and have issues with their self identity. Realizing this and showing patience, tolerance and compassion towards this person – while at the same time not accepting to be harmed – will help to keep our own suffering in check and to reduce that of the other person.
Admittedly, it is not always easy to do so…
oh, I am “anonymous” now. I guess I have to put my name in the box, now that we don’t have to log in anymore. Well, let’s see…
wow, i really am enjoying everyone’s posting. thanks for the detailed blog response. it is really good to read your story.
oh, how embarassing, I wrote “complement” instead of “compliment” – I can spell, really!!
let me compliment you on the compliments that complement my compliments.
good one:)
lol!