The Four Agreements Part 4 of 5: Don’t Make Assumptions
January 15, 2009 by dr. lam
For those readers who don’t realize that this blog series CANNOT be read in isolation but should be read as a continuous whole, please read the last 3 days of blogs to get a clear grasp of today’s. It will be impossible to understand today’s blog without knowledge and digestion of the past 3 days’ blogs. Even if you have read the last 3 days’ blog, if you have time today, reread and reflect on them before you embark on reading today’s.
Today’s blog covers the 3rd of 4 agreements: “don’t make assumptions.” Too often we lack the courage to ask questions but instead we fall back on our outdated and biased belief systems that color our opinions. Simply asking the other person a clarifying question could be all that is needed to avoid a devastating assumption that can have lingering impact for both parties. We assume too much, and an assumption makes an Ass out of U and Me as the old joke goes. The other person has the right to say yes or no just as much as we have the right to ask the question. When in doubt, ask a question until there is no doubt that remains. Open dialogue between both parties so that assumptions fall away.
Taking things personally and making assumptions are the two things that have gotten mankind into unnecessary wars, escalated violence, created pandemonium, and torn relationships asunder. Starting with being impeccable with your word is a prerequisite. Being impeccable means being open, honest, direct, and unassuming. Assumptions tear relationships apart for no better reason than both parties fell back onto their old agreements, i.e., their own biases on how they see the world without confirming with the other person if that interpretation was an accurate one.
In a relationship, we hear too often, “I love him/her but I can change that person.” Such terms are not unconditional, and these words serve to undermine the very bedrock of that relationship. Acceptance of the other must be all encompassing and devoid of an impetus to change the other. We simply assume the other will change or we make assumptions as to their intents when those intents are not clearly outlined to us. We must clarify those intents through our being impeccable with our word and not taking something personally. We offer the other a light of pure love and generosity through which the other can accept our words. Through being impeccable with our word, not taking things personally, and not making assumptions we can enter our own dream of heaven and exit our own self-imposed hell. Tomorrow we conclude our journey, so that you can begin yours.
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2 Responses to “The Four Agreements Part 4 of 5: Don’t Make Assumptions”
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Assumptions – each and every one of us could probably write a book on how often we’ve made assumptions about people, the way they will behave in a given situation, their character, what they may want or don’t want, etc. Sometimes this assumption is made right away after we just met a person, sometimes it is based on past experiences. Both mean forming opinions about how someone IS, but the fact is that nothing really IS. Instead, everything and everyone is in constant flux. Yet, we think of people being particular ways – good or bad, happy or sad, generous or stingy, friendly or threatening. Although everything about that person is constantly changing, we don’t see it because “the objects of our minds become like icicles – brittle and inflexible – and we pay attention to those frozen objects instead of to Reality” (from “Buddhism is not what you think”).
With not assuming goes acceptance. Not necessarily accepting the person as s/he IS though – as there really is no “IS” – but rather accepting them anew and unconditionally in each and every moment.
i truly believe all that. it is so important to open yourself and open yourself unconditionally. we append too much baggage to the other person that must fit our world before we accept someone else. i am working too just not to make any assumptions and to ask more questions. thanks again for the comments. i really appreciate them!!!