Emotional Freedom Part 13 of 17: Emotional Vampire Type 3, The Controller
August 4, 2009 by dr. lam
This Emotional Vampire, the Controller, is typically a perfectionist, living his life with rules, guidelines, and a self-imposed rigid framework. He oftentimes does not view himself as a controller, just right, and oftentimes feels that everyone around him does not meet his standards. He is domineering in his emotions and oftentimes likes to add, “Do you know what I think about your situation?” and wants to offer advice to you about everything. There is very little spontaneity with this person, and he can be very aggressive in his words and posturing. With any degree of vulnerability sensed, he will pounce and exploit those weaknesses for his own advantage. The controller is a classic micromanager, trusting no one he constantly tries to make sure everything is done his way.
Usually a controller controls others because he has a sense that his life is on the brink of chaos and lacks control so therefore he must exert control not only over himself but lord over all those in his immediate proximity. Remember that oftentimes the character flaw that a person expresses really reflects an own internal weakness that is merely amplified and turned outward.
The way to control a controller is not by controlling him. It is important that you stand your ground but try to do so only on important issues using reasoning and logic rather than verbal posturing or constant nagging and positioning. You can’t win in these situations. If the cap on the toothpaste has to be off, then leave it off and fight more important battles. Trying to control a controller will not end in a victory but misery. Obviously, if the situation with a controller leads to a crippling situation, get out of the relationship whether it is professional or personal.
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6 Responses to “Emotional Freedom Part 13 of 17: Emotional Vampire Type 3, The Controller”
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I read each of these. Like anybody, I try to figure out which are “mine”. Most days, it’s a big no, THAT’S not me. Or maybe UH OH. It’s tough to see ourselves as we really are.
One year long ago, I had the chance to work tandem, day in/day out with the most betterthanmeAndevenyou woman on the planet. (Ask her.) It was a pretty long year! I might have handled her better.
Great stuff as usual. Thanks.
thanks nord! glad your roller skate gravatar is back in action!
Nord, you are hilarious!!!! Poor you! I had a similar experience working with someone like that before! Ouch, that doesn’t bring me pleasant memories…lol
I seriously hope I have 0 controller vampire in me. Please, people tell me I don’t!…lol But I have definitely been the perfectionist before, very much so. I offer my advice all the time…YIKES!!! Well, I’m not aggressive, so whew on that!
I think that it is a good idea to get away from a controller, definitely, but I think that controller types need counseling, so maybe getting to be friends with someone that is a controller and then helping them learn to get personal control instead of trying to control the environment might actually help that individual break that controlling habit. I guess I never give up on people. I have this philosophy that everyone’s problems can be fixed…lol How long do you think I’ll stick to that one?…LOL
Love your blogs, Dr. Lam.
thanks heather! this is fun!
I am an emotional vampire and I’ve known for some time. I have bipolar, PTSD and anxiety disorder. I am now being treated for these afflictions with celexa and tegretol. Will these help me at all?
hi christine,
thank you for contributing to my blog. i am appreciative of both your honesty and desire to rectify the situation. as you would imagine, i am a surgeon and not a psychiatrist so i simply cannot answer your question. i hope that your psychiatrist can help you ascertain that information.
best wishes,
sml