The Mastery of Love Part 4 of 10: The Man Who Did not Believe in Love
March 19, 2009 by dr. lam
There was a man who did not believe in love. He simply said, “Love does not exist. It is an illusion.” He likened most relationships to what goes on between a drug dealer and an addict. The drug dealer gives the addict what he/she needs, and the addict craves that addiction. Similarly, in many relationships, there is one member who is needy for love and the other one who really does not need love but gives love out and thereby controls the relationship. This unhealthy relationship is very prevalent and leads to mutual destruction or lingering dependency.
One day this man encountered a woman sitting on a park bench. He saw that she was visibly distraught. He asked her what was the matter. She said, “I have been married for many years to a man who no longer loves or respects me. I do not believe in love.” The man who did not believe in love responded, “Yes, love does not exist.” Then, the man and woman who did not believe in love became steadfast friends, and that friendship blossomed into a burgeoning romance. They both could not believe in fact that this time what seemed to be love was founded on respect and mutual admiration. There was no petty jealousy or negativity like from the past.
One night a shooting star came from the heavens, and the man gave that star to the woman. The woman became afraid of the overwhelming love and dropped the star, which then broke into a million pieces. Whose fault was it that broke the star? It was the man’s. He thought he could give another person happiness. However, in any relationship, we are only responsible for our own happiness not the other person’s. We cannot make that person truly happy but we can simply exude our own happiness every day. When we start to become responsible for another’s happiness, we can lose our own. As my mentor always said, “Happiness comes from within.” We cannot live in the shadow of another’s happiness. We can only be responsible for living our own happiness.
When we have the responsibility to make someone else happy, we create internal anxiety within us for that responsibility, which ultimately leads to failure. Our fear that we will lose that love and our anxiety to please our significant other can ultimately ruin that relationship. Focusing on our own happiness, peace, and contentment will radiate to our partner without necessarily being explicit in our desire to make that other person intentionally happy. Just be responsible for your half of the equation.
Ruiz divides relationships into two distinct categories: fear and love. Too often 95% of the relationship is based out of fear with only 5% given to love. Fear is conditional: I only love you if…; whereas love is unconditional. Fear is selfish and controlling; whereas love is generous and filled with respect. When we start to let go of fear and focus on our own half of the relationship and the success of that half, our relationship can flourish. When we are gripped by fear of how to make the other person happy or we feel that we must be in charge of that person’s happiness, we allow fear to dominate that relationship and move it toward a lower state and possible disintegration.
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11 Responses to “The Mastery of Love Part 4 of 10: The Man Who Did not Believe in Love”
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Ha ha! That’s a really funny story!
This is like really good advice. I remember that when I was a kid, I used to feel like my parent’s happiness relied on me. After realizing this codependency several years ago, I was able to break away from that, but looking back, it was not a good thing in any respect and only caused anxiety that hindered my having a healthy relationship with my parents. Very good point, Dr. Lam! And this certainly applies to relationships with significant others too.
That is so true about happiness coming from within.
I really liked it that you mentioned that by focusing on one’s own happiness, peace, and contentment, this will radiate to the other person without necessarily being explicit in one’s desire to make the other person intentionally happy. This is awesome advice and very well put!!!
I think that respecting someone and being attentive to that person’s needs is important in a relationship, just by the mere fact that being in a relationship constitutes some form of mutual esteem, but I certainly don’t think that someone’s personal happiness should be based on this. This is where I like to keep the balance.
I think it’s really important to know what makes you happy, and also what you want in a relationship. This way both people not only have their own happiness established, but also know what the other person’s needs are. I’ve found this helpful. I actually think that this is crucial in serious relationships, because if someone is left guessing on what your needs are, this can cause some serious problems and mixed messages in the relationship.
Dr. Lam, I love it that your blogs cover all grounds!!!
making it to the eleventh page..lol (one would think that having a long checklist would scare guys off, but I’ve found that they actually find it rather interesting. I usually try to encourage my guy friends to make their own checklists. They like my approachability with this.) Here I go off on a tangent…
This relationship advice is going on my checklist.
You’re quite the relationship expert aren’t you!!!
Well, these are just thoughts from a brilliant mind, not mine, unfortunately. I am not in a relationship except with all my blog readers and lovely patients and friends. So perhaps I am not best equipped to give “advice”. Instead, I look at this as a way for me to grow as a person first so that I will also, as you put it, know what I want in a relationship. Thanks again for sharing. Hopefully, your future guy will not be scared off when your list hits 20 pages!!! lol. Okay, guys out there let’s not make this the heather and lambo show! I hope some other fun people will make some cool, insightful comments. As it stands, I thank you Heather for your diligent commentary even though next week you will be on a short hiatus. Perhaps that forces me to comment myself. Maybe I will make up a false alias like “Sam Da Man”? Too obvious.
Ha! You’re funny Dr. Lambo!!! LOL about the lambo show!!!
Very funny about my list reaching 20!…lol I just had a great dude that passed, but I found out he was into deer hunting, guns and fishing?!!! I was forced to add those to the list!..lol It didn’t help that he found out I was into ballroom dancing either.
Okay, like how can you not be in a relationship?????????? OMG!!! I bet you have to turn down 60 women a day! Seriously, you’re really funny, you’re charming, you’re smart, you’re communicative, you’re cute, you’re handsome!…..(infinity)…..Golly!!! If you’re into blonde hair, blue eyes, tall and slim types, send me your 100 page qualification questionnaire!
OMG!!!!!
I understand that you may have to delete this one….(I still have eight left, right?)
no, that’s cool heather. obviously, can’t post that kind of stuff myself here (not a good idea for me). don’t want to get into trouble. lol. thanks for the kind remarks. enjoying the fun here!
Oh, wow! I didn’t get in trouble…
That sounds a little ironic, you getting in trouble on your blog..lol
Oh, man! That’s too bad! I mean I could dye my hair and all, wear contacts, be forbidden to wear high heels………but what kind of life would that be anyway, ya know?
Doc, I think I know what your problem is… You’re too picky! lol You’re even pickier than I am with my eleven page list and all!..lol I’m not even partial to hair color; it’s not even on my list!..lol
Well, if you change you mind, you know where to get a hold of me.
Oh, btw, I know a lot of really good looking single women that are really nice (all ethnicities too), if you make a list of the things you are looking for, email it to me, and I’ll find the perfect girl for you! You have access to my email right?..lol
yes, i have your email as administrator i can see all. it is a powerful position that i don’t want to abuse. hahaha! perhaps you are a bit too all seeing yourself, oh wise one.
I’m lost….what’s that supposed to mean? lol
yes, i have become quite the cryptic individual here. just trying not to make this section too personal. that’s all. that is, to maintain some professionalism in these blog posts. i am the administrator!!!
Okay, Doc, I’ll refrain from any more comments of this sort.