The Mastery of Love Part 5 of 10: The Perfect Relationship
March 20, 2009 by dr. lam
We truly want in life the perfect relationship but what does that mean? Let’s use the idea of our relationship with a pet dog. When we come home, the dog is happy to see us. We feed the dog, pet the dog, and treat the dog as a dog because it is a dog. We don’t ask the dog to meow because it is not a cat. If we wanted a horse, we would have gotten a horse. The dog for his part plays the part well. He knows how to bark, wag his tail, eat food, and be happy. Do we accept the dog as a dog or do we ask more of that animal?
Sometimes we just have to know what we want. Too often we don’t accept the other individual the way he or she is but demand certain changes or conditions before we want to offer that love. However, with our animals, we simply see that animal as a being in front of us that need not have certain conditions that we apply. If we don’t know what we want in a mate, then we won’t know how to find it or how to recognize it when we find it.
The simple truth is that when we encounter a love in front of us without preconditions, i.e., when we find someone who we feel is right for us from a spiritual, mental, physical, and at all levels without the need to change the other person then we have found the right love. When we start appending notions like, “Well, I really love this person BUT…” then perhaps we have not arrived there yet. Do we want a dog or a cat? If we know, then we can choose. If we don’t, then we cannot. If we want to change a dog into a cat, we can’t and we won’t.
What if you are with a cat and you want a dog? Well, that is a hard one. Only you will know the truth if you have made a mistake in your choice. I’m not advocating just throwing in the towel, but we need to be honest with ourselves and what we want so that we can make our choices during this short life and be happy.
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13 Responses to “The Mastery of Love Part 5 of 10: The Perfect Relationship”
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Wow, that is a really good analogy talking about a pet dog and real love!
I am one of those people that knows the type of guy I want, and that’s why I have an eleven page checklist…lol It is not really an evaluation tool, but more so, a list of things I admire in someone and qualities in a relationship that I think are important.
This is a really good point to make. I think everyone should know what s/he wants, both in a significant other and in a relationship.
Your blogs sure do cover all grounds, Dr. Lam! Thanks for all the insight!
thanks heather. you are up early! like me. thanks for reading and commenting.
[...] Lam Facial Plastics Blog created an interesting post today on The Mastery of Love Part 5 of 10: The Perfect RelationshipHere’s a short outlineWe truly want in life the perfect relationship but what does that mean? Let’s use the idea of our relationship with a pet dog. When we come home, the dog is happy to see us. We feed the dog, pet the dog, and treat the dog as a dog because it is a dog. We don’t ask the dog to meow because it is not a cat. If we wanted a horse, we would have gotten a horse. The dog for his part plays the part well. He knows how to bark, wag his tail, eat food, and be happy. Do we accept the dog as a dog or [...]
Ok, Heather and Lambo show, I’m going to chime in this time:)
I’m a bit ambivalent about this whole notion of the “perfect relationship”. I mean: what IS perfect? It’s not like there is a magic formula or a scientific measure for this. Likewise, there is no Absolute, i.e. what’s perfect for one person, isn’t necessarily perfect for another.
Too often, people think of the “perfect” significant other in terms of what Hollywood and society in general want to make us believe this person has to be like: good-looking, good job, money/financial security, etc. In addition we may have our own lists, like “must love dogs”, “must be a vegetarian”, “must be religious”, etc. – and while I agree that there must be a certain common basis, I also know that these things alone will not make a relationship “perfect”.
Well, what does then? I’m certainly not an expert – as a matter of fact I got separated last year after having been in a relationship for 20 years – but I have my own thoughts on this. First, I completely agree with yesterday’s blog that we cannot “make” another person happy (and vice versa); happiness must come from within oneself; likewise we cannot “complete” another person (and vice versa) – even if Tom Cruise said so in Jerry McGuire:). We have to be our own “complete” person, i.e. we have to be able to BE without relying on someone else to make us feel whole or complete. I believe that only if we are happy and at peace with ourselves can we be happy and at peace in a relationship. For if we are happy and at peace, we don’t expect that the other person will fill that void and at the same time we will allow the other person to grow in their own right. This for me is unconditional love without expectations, preconditions or preconceived notions.
Sure, there has to be physical, mental, spiritual attraction, and sure, there has to be common ground, but these alone don’t suffice. It may take effort to find the “right” person, but it takes just as much effort to let a relationship develop and grow – and to sustain it over time (obviously talking from experience…).
Precisely put, Vancouver! Very good point! You’re back!!!! GREAT!!! I totally agree with you on this!
Oh, I don’t use the word “perfect” anymore, changed it to “excellent”. I think that having an excellent relationship is obtainable only if both parties make an effort to have it be. As you so exquisitely pointed out! I believe this “effort” though, is not the same “effort” that we mean when something is difficult. I know at times that effort is felt, but I believe that this “effort” doesn’t have to be all that difficult given the proper equation. I believe when someone is feeling the difficult form of the word “effort”, their relationship foundation is not where it should be and that this can be avoided by mending the foundation. So just putting out effort is not really going to solve the condition of the relationship.
I really think that people should be happy with who they are before they pursue a relationship, but also know what they are seeking. Also, people change so loving someone for who they are is one thing, but loving them as they change should be considered as well. I won’t deny relationships have a difficult nature.
I think it is important that both parties know what their expectations are of the other person in a relationship. I think that a lot of people don’t know what they want in the first place, and end up in a relationship that is only based on feelings and emotions and doesn’t have substance. I really liked the pet analogy and here’s why in a different manner than was mentioned in the blog…(which I also really liked that one too!) The idea of having an excellent relationship is not the peachy perfect mentality but rather a valid viewpoint on what is expected in the relationship. Let’s say someone wanted to get a dog. This person really really wanted a dog, so they went out and bought one. Okay, after about a week, the person decides that the dog has to be fed, groomed, taken outside, played with and trained, let alone all the other responsibility that is involved. This person then may start to see the dog in a different light. Perhaps their desire for the dog is stronger than the work involved. In this case, the individual has made the right decision to get the dog. But basing rather they want a dog on their emotions entirely, is not assuring success with the pet. Also, there is a dramatic decrease of enjoyment in having the pet, because all the disappointment of additional responsibility involved had to take some form of joy out of the original equation, which constitutes “effort” to the person going through this emotional shift. I don’t mean having a checklist that says (must like pets, vegetarian, etc.), but a “list” that helps one have a proper viewpoint on what they expect of the other person, what their needs are, and what they are willing to give and take.
Let’s say someone wants a dog and takes into consideration the effort it takes to have a dog and weighs it out accordingly and comes to the conclusion that they really want a dog and know what they have to give for it. They get the pet and because of their awareness of what was expected, they maintain the same amount of joy they had originally and the “effort” only comes naturally. This is the way I like to view excellent relationships. I don’t mean this to sound evaluative, but more so, being smart about it. Instead of basing everything on emotions, or lists, like you excellently pointed out, Vancouver!!! I believe that there has to be an valid viewpoint on what the expectations are that both people have in a relationship. Of course emotions are there too, I’m not belittling that, just that I think our society kind of plays that out, making emotions the only ingredient in a relationship, which is no wonder why there are so many divorces nowadays.
To sum it up, I don’t think that by having someone fit all the “ideal” categories should be the main focus, but that expectations be established. Effort is definitely something that is important, but it shouldn’t take from the joy of the relationship. Emotions are important too.
Aren’t we all great relationship experts?!..lol Vancouver, I think you’re on the right track in cracking the love equation/formula!
I think this comment beats the record!
Hi Heather,
your slant on the dog analogy is excellent and I think the word “awareness” you chose is key: aware that not every day will be peachy, that things will not always turn out as planned, that people will grow and change, that some effort and adjustments will have to be made, etc. If one is aware of these things and if there are love and a good solid foundation to start with, the necessary “efforts” indeed should not take from the joy of the relationship!
Hope you will find your “excellent” match when you are ready for it:)
Good night from up North!
I think both of you have come about this with great insight and with a totally different tack. Yes, heather that may be a record if you don’t count M/A’s encyclopedic responses in the forum. but it certainly is a record for the blog section and for you! have a great vaca! look forward to your responses when you get back.
Hey, thanks, guys!
Vancouver, you summed that up quite nicely! I’m glad that you are popping your intelligent head in here every now and then!!
Dr. Lam, yes I have still yet to reach Mysteryagain’s milestone. I really miss her!!!
I hope I will have a great time on my trip, despite the fact that I will certainly be suffering desperately from blog withdrawal symptoms!
Dr. lam,
I like your analogy of the Cat&Dog
it reminded of a cat I once had, I don’t think it knew it was a cat, it was born without a sense of smell.
thanks ahmad for the comment. i really appreciate anyone’s comments here. i had a lady from Arizona who just private messaged me on my myspace account and told me how much the self-abuse blog helped her and that i should please continue to write these blogs. she was afraid that i would stop doing it because i did not get any comments from people (she read my comment that i wanted comments). rest assured with or without comments, i shall plunge forward because i enjoy the self growth that i am getting out of this. thank you all for your time in reading my blogs and sharing your thoughts too.
Dr. Lam,
The pleasure and the gain is mine, I find your blog full of wisdom and perspicuous , although that I have read this book already, but your insights and ability to relates on topic is a rare paradigm. Please keep em coming and THANK YOU for taking the time to do all of this.
thanks ahmad. have a wonderful and safe trip back up north. and we (the LFP family and I) look forward to your return in a few weeks.