Happiness Hypothesis Part 10 of 10: Happiness Comes From Between
May 21, 2010 by dr. lam
My mentor always taught me that “Happiness comes from within.” In other words, irrelevant to life circumstances, we are either happy or not because of who we are inside. As Haidt points out, our happiness set point defines the beginning of where we are. However, that may not be enough. The formula H = S + C + V reminds us that we have two other components that are external to us, which we may have control over to help us become happier, specifically conditions in our life and things that we do voluntarily to enhance that happiness.
Relationships with friends and family and more specifically love, both passionate and companionate, are important “C” factors that can influence how we can arrive at happiness. Our work “flow” is a powerful “V” in which we can create a situation where we are so engaged (referred to as “vital engagement” in the book) that we lose sense of time and space. That component of work must carry with it a larger purpose; we must be able to wield some degree of autonomy; and we must feel a sense of mastery. These three components will be discussed further when we cover Daniel Pink’s book, Drive.
In summary, we can become happy in our lives not because of just some internal quality we have nor due to external life circumstances but through a marriage of both. More specifically, it is the interaction of the two, the internal and the external, that can lead to our happiest condition. If we are unhappy inside of us, the external world will not make us happy. If we are happy enough inside, we can create conditions outside that will truly affect and ratchet up our happiness inside. Happiness comes from between, as Haidt puts it.
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8 Responses to “Happiness Hypothesis Part 10 of 10: Happiness Comes From Between”
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That’s a great point: happiness does come from within: sometimes it’s genetic, other times, you have to work on it. If you depend on the circumstances to make you happy, it just may never happen. My parents died pretty close to each other when I was in my 20s; my mom died when I was pregnant with my son, and my marriage was falling apart. Oooh! Circumstances? Well, if I waited for the “circumstances”, I would be pretty much excluded from those blessed to be happy. Happiness is a choice! The external world will catch up, if you’re happy from within, and unfortunate circumstances will only make you stronger. James Allen was my “mentor”, who helped me to understand this simple (yet so complex) truth.
I borrowed “FLOW” from your post for my meditations. I started meditating several years ago, sometimes it’s hard to stay focussed, but I’m making progress little by little every day. Powerful words are very important in my meditation; I / my ego / my rational self don’t choose the words (I wouldn’t be able to force words for my meditations) – right words just come from elsewhere (still trying to figure out the chemistry of that). Being a non-native speaker of English doesn’t make it any easier: some words-symbols come from English, others come from my native language. Well, FLOW got in! Thank you for that. It’s a very cool post, Dr. Lam, should be useful to your patients.
I like “Happiness comes from BETWEEN”, never heard of it before.
thanks zoya. appreciate the comment. i think flow is so important to have in our lives. my surgery and relationship with my patients gives me deep deep flow. i am lost in my work and with my lovely patients! what is your native language btw?
I grew up in Russia, so I say “спасибо” (spasibo – thanks), as I meditate. I guess Flow is staying in tune with the moment and with what we do. It’s great your work gives you Flow: you are a lucky/happy man.
kruto! molodeets! i learn russian every other week because my hair stylist in my salon teaches me russian!
Ha-ha-ha: it’s cute. Make sure, Dr. Lam, they let you know when/if they teach you words from “Urban Dictionary”. Saying “Kruto” in Russian is like saying “Radical” in English in situations when you’re highly impressed with results. Great job learning some Russian. Молодец (done well)!
no, i know the difference. i have learned a ton of slang but i know when to be formal and when to sound colloquial as well. my accent is also spot on. i can sound pretty close to native even with difficult sounding words. the hardest word that i had to learn was blue in russian how the “u” sound with the tongue up in the top of the mouth and the rounded closed sound. unusual.
Nice! Judith Viorst, an American writer, said that “Suffering makes us deep [very Dostoevskyish thought], Travel makes us broad. In case I get my pick, I’d rather travel”. I think the same applies to learning languages or studying different cultures: those who do, become “broader” through developing appreciation for unique sensibilities of others. Maybe, one day you’ll master that crazy alphabet. Have fun with it!
Cool, I agree. I was a euopean history major because of my love for other cultures!