Happiness Hypothesis Part 7 of 10: Love

May 18, 2010 by dr. lam

thing-called-love Haidt begins this important chapter discussing in detail all of the landmark work of Harlow and Ainsworth on parental/child attachment. He justifies the detailed recounting of these studies because he envisions that adult love is rooted in our attachment strategies of childhood. The same separation anxiety and need to be proximate to our loved one that begins in late adolescence and continues into adulthood stems from how we interacted with our parents. The same chemical release of oxytocin that is associated with sexual interaction for both males and females is present when a child is with his mother.

He then explores the idea of passionate versus companionate love. He looks at how many of the ancient writers viewed passionate love as a negative trait because of its ephemeral nature, and Haidt recommends that no one be allowed to get married until they at least pass through this initial intoxication, as he argues you should not allow a drunken man access to his car.

Passionate love with its attendant intensity soon burns out. However, companionate love endures and strengthens. Haidt shows on a timetable that although passionate and companionate love are separate entities that they are necessary in any long-term relationship and that couples who have made it past their 50^th wedding anniversary are heavily imbued with companionate love but can still have a nice residual of passionate love albeit not as strong as during their initial courting.

He likens passionate love to a drug like heroin. When we take heroin (fortunately I can only speak theoretically here), we get an intoxicating high but after a while that intoxication fades, as the release of sustained dopamine dulls our senses and we become tolerant. In contrast, someone who is involved in a long-term relationship the high of being with that person for short bursts of time separated by long separations is like the heroin without the attenuated addiction. The addiction stays strong because it is only infrequent and there is not acclimation to the drug. People in long-distance relationships beware.

He then cites the work of Emile Durkheim that shows that suicide rates are highest among individuals with very few social connections. The fewer social connections, e.g., presence of parents, friends, and even more importantly spouses and children, create higher risk of suicide. The proposition that even the most introverted can have tremendous benefit through even mild extroverted activities. As Haidt posits, we humans are tremendously “ultrasocial” creatures and thrive on that interaction. As supported in our previous blog, Mary can be much happier than Bob because of her extensive social connections despite the world’s limited view of her social rank. I guess love conquers all, or at least social connections help us build our immune system and grow old happily.

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