The Mastery of Love Part 3 of 10: Self-Abuse
March 18, 2009 by dr. lam
We are always punishing ourselves. We play the Victim because that is the role that has been assigned to us during our period of domestication. We always feel that we should be punished because we see ourselves as imperfect: ”I am not good enough. I am deserving of this abuse” so I will abuse myself. Ruiz perceives us as domesticated animals. We respond in ways that reflect our domestication. The only difference with an animal is that we will punish ourselves a thousand times for the same mistake. We are convinced that we are imperfect and must therefore be subjected to punishment.
As I have said in a past blog, I have tried to stop saying that “I am imperfect.” It brings to light our own self abusive tendencies to play judge and jury so that we can become Victims again. Ruiz calls the indoctrinated belief system that society (aka, the Dream) has imposed on us as the Parasite that sucks on our emotional wounds. The language that the Parasite uses is fear. Fear grips us and paralyzes us and distorts our relationships.
Many times we wonder when we see others, “How does she live with that abuse?” The answer is simple: she already is abusing herself (I’m not good enough or worthy. I deserve this.) and therefore accepts as only natural abuse from another. With the emotional poison that is there, she gives it back to them, and he accepts it because he is used to thinking of himself with that same level of self abuse. Ruiz’s insight (that I have mentioned in a previous blog and is worth repeating here) is that we will only tolerate an abusive relationship as much as we tolerate our own abuse. When that relationship exceeds our own level of self abuse, we will flee. However, many individuals live in such a sustained level of self abuse that they can tolerate many levels of abuse and will remain in that relationship.
When we can begin to clear the storing house of false thoughts that the Parasite has made us believe, think, and really fear, we can then escape those abusive relationships because we will stop abusing ourselves. When we begin to love ourselves without self condemnation and without judgment, we can then have the prospect of entering a healthy, loving relationship.
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4 Responses to “The Mastery of Love Part 3 of 10: Self-Abuse”
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This is totally a good point to make. I think that there is a fine line between taking responsibility for something that we did that was wrong and blaming ourselves for something we did wrong.
I completely agree that the amount of abuse that people are willing to put up with has to do with how much abuse they give themselves. That is a really good point to make.
I also really liked the point you made about loving ourselves without self condemnation and without judgment before we can have the prospect of entering a healthy, loving relationship. I know a lot of people who use relationships to kind of help them “solve” emotional issues, without dealing with them themselves. I think this confounds their problems when involving another person and is certainly not a good foundation to have. I think that before we can love someone else, we must first love ourselves. This is totally the right perspective to have. I also think that if someone doesn’t know how to love themselves, or hasn’t learned how, they will not know how to properly love someone else.
Your blogs are so insightful! I always get a lot out of them. Thanks, Dr. Lam!
thanks heather. again, really appreciate now a solo voice in the past week. hopefully, M/A or Vancouver can throw their two cents here. this is fun!
Ah, don’t worry, they’ll be back. Your blogs are really awesome and you will always have your readers.
I sure do miss them though…Mysteryagain’s great posts, Nord’s humor, and Vancouver’s intelligence, so I hope they come back soon! Also all the other blog buddies!
People are just busy with their lives and things come up, but they’ll be back.
I’ve gotten into the habit of visiting your blog first, Dr. Lam, and then making a trek over to the “Ask Dr. Lam” section to check out Mysteryagain’s post to get a broader viewpoint on things before I comment, and lately, it’s been kind of lonesome around here!
Dr. Lam, you are always a blast!! Even if it’s just you.
Hey, I’ll be out of town next week until Wednesday, and will probably be on an internet fast, so don’t think I have quit reading your blogs. When I get back, I will catch up!
Thanks for the warning about next week. I love hearing people writing comments here. EVERYONE: SHARE THE LOVE! Even if it is just one line! Okay, I threw my pitch out there.