The Four Agreements Part 4 of 5: Don’t Make Assumptions
January 15, 2009 by dr. lam · 2 Comments
For those readers who don’t realize that this blog series CANNOT be read in isolation but should be read as a continuous whole, please read the last 3 days of blogs to get a clear grasp of today’s. It will be impossible to understand today’s blog without knowledge and digestion of the past 3 days’ blogs. Even if you have read the last 3 days’ blog, if you have time today, reread and reflect on them before you embark on reading today’s.
Today’s blog covers the 3rd of 4 agreements: “don’t make assumptions.” Too often we lack the courage to ask questions but instead we fall back on our outdated and biased belief systems that color our opinions. Simply asking the other person a clarifying question could be all that is needed to avoid a devastating assumption that can have lingering impact for both parties. We assume too much, and an assumption makes an Ass out of U and Me as the old joke goes. The other person has the right to say yes or no just as much as we have the right to ask the question. When in doubt, ask a question until there is no doubt that remains. Open dialogue between both parties so that assumptions fall away.
Taking things personally and making assumptions are the two things that have gotten mankind into unnecessary wars, escalated violence, created pandemonium, and torn relationships asunder. Starting with being impeccable with your word is a prerequisite. Being impeccable means being open, honest, direct, and unassuming. Assumptions tear relationships apart for no better reason than both parties fell back onto their old agreements, i.e., their own biases on how they see the world without confirming with the other person if that interpretation was an accurate one.
In a relationship, we hear too often, “I love him/her but I can change that person.” Such terms are not unconditional, and these words serve to undermine the very bedrock of that relationship. Acceptance of the other must be all encompassing and devoid of an impetus to change the other. We simply assume the other will change or we make assumptions as to their intents when those intents are not clearly outlined to us. We must clarify those intents through our being impeccable with our word and not taking something personally. We offer the other a light of pure love and generosity through which the other can accept our words. Through being impeccable with our word, not taking things personally, and not making assumptions we can enter our own dream of heaven and exit our own self-imposed hell. Tomorrow we conclude our journey, so that you can begin yours.
The Four Agreements Part 3 of 5: Don’t Take Anything Personally
January 14, 2009 by dr. lam · 13 Comments
The second agreement is based on the understanding of the first (be impeccable with your word); in fact, all subsequent agreements are predicated on committing to the first agreement. If you did not read yesterday’s blog, please take a moment to do so so that you can fully appreciate today’s message: “don’t take anything personally.”
As we discussed yesterday, when you take something another says personally, you have fallen under the black magic of the other person. The other person cannot hurt you if you don’t allow it. The only way that the other individual can create chaos in your heart is if there is already an emotional wound that is open and your belief system already subscribes to what the other person is inflicting. “You are so stupid.” You quietly assent, “Yes, I am.” What you don’t assent to consciously is the mantra that has been perpetrated against you in your youth that you were given this agreement by another individual and you chose to hold on to that belief system and carry it forward. However, if someone calls you a dirty name and your heart does not permit the injury, then it won’t happen. The emotional bruising that is inflicted is actually deepened in the sender when the receiver refuses to accept the insult.
As stated yesterday, the insult that the person levels against you reflects more about the person giving it than the receiver. When you say, “You are fat.” It mostly reflects the sender’s own issues with his or her self identity and associated insecurity. If you have been programmed all your life that you are overweight, your brain will accept the other’s emotional poison as veracity and you will be crippled by it. Just remember that when someone speaks ill of you, it most likely reflects an internally directed dialogue that exhibits that person’s weakness rather than yours.
Many times the reason that we accept an insult or personal sleight is that we have conflicting messages that circulate in our own dream by virtue of our mitote, or fog, that I discussed on Monday’s introductory blog. We don’t trust ourselves because we don’t have a single, clear message that we tell ourselves. We are living our own personal dream in a fog. So when someone else wants to level their claim against us, we accept it since the voice is louder than our very own. We as humans tend to create our own suffering and revel in it. Whether we choose to live in our own personally designated hell is a question of our own volition.
Tack up a message on your refrigerator that reads, “Don’t take anything personally” as a first step toward implementing the second agreement. Be impeccable with your word so that you don’t let anyone inflict injury on you and so that you don’t take anything personally. Tomorrow we continue onward with our journey.
Life in Perspective Part 2 of 4: Your Present
November 25, 2008 by dr. lam · Leave a Comment
The present is a fleeting moment. You blink, it’s the past. You wait for it and it’s still the future. Then the future quickly slips into the past. However, the present is where we are planted and what we have all around us is the present. Sometimes we live so much in our past (see yesterday’s blog) or in the future (see tomorrow’s) that we cannot savor the present.
Life is meant to be enjoyed through its ups and downs. I look at life more like a journey than like a destination. We need to look at the panorama around us and taste life a bit. A friend from college said to me, “If I could have an IV and just inject the food in, I would. It’s a waste of time.” He obviously was not a foodie, like me. Sometimes (I’ve been a culprit of this) we don’t even taste our food, we just swallow it in so that we can move on with our lives. I have now made it a concerted effort to try to chew my food more slowly and enjoy it. The company we keep can make our food taste better.
I have mentioned in many of my blogs the importance that EO (Entrepreneur’s Organization) has in my life. The forum meetings that I attend every month with my EO brothers are an important element to my life. I have heard that there are two types of forum groups out there, those dedicated to enjoying life and those intended to build an empire. I really like the fact that our EO forum group celebrates life and helps us overcome the struggles that make life not as enjoyable and also focuses on accomplishing goals in our life.
Along life’s journeys, be reflective to see are you spending your time with people you don’t like? Are you in a job you hate? Is most of the day spent in misery or happiness? Are you taking time to relax and to taste life a bit? Are you tasting your food before you swallow it?
Good Design & Quality Craftsmanship Part 3 of 3: Kilgour
November 12, 2008 by dr. lam · Leave a Comment
As many of you know, I love beautiful clothing, mostly Italian, where most of my design influences come from. However, I am celebrating today as the third and final installment on good design and quality craftsmanship, English tailoring and design. Anyway, the Italians learned their trade from the English to begin with. Although Armani is perhaps synonymous with great suit design, they are mass manufactured and lack the attention to detail that only Savile Row suits bear. I have many Armani suits that begin to fall apart at certain points over time due to the sloppy tailoring. Yes, the design is great but the craftsmanship is lacking. Armani has also brand extended themselves to mean very little. Mr. Armani does not even design most of the stuff that goes out with his name on it.
I was watching the movie, Layer Cake, with Daniel Craig and loved his suits. I attentively watched the rolling credits at the end to see who designed them. It was Kilgour. With that, I contacted Kilgour to have a suit made up for me. Since I have no time (not to mention the expense too) to fly to London for several fittings, Kilgour routinely flies out to the States to fit you. Unfortunately due to my extensive lecturing, I missed about 3 to 4 of their visits extending the time to actually complete my fittings to over 2 years time. I finally got my brown hopsack suit that I absolutely love. Perhaps I wear it too often for a brown suit but who really cares.
Kilgour began in 1882 and has gone through different iterations of a name, most famously, Kilgour French & Stanbury, which is still the official name of the company. Kilgour has dressed such timeless personalities as Fred Astaire, Rex Harrison, and Cary Grant. The only real negative today is that Kilgour has made a concession to the mass market through adding a ready-to-wear collection by Carlo Brandelli. Beautiful but not bespoke, as we are trying to focus on in this blog.
I think the art and craft of tailoring has been lost through mass-market consumerism. I love the idea that a tailor slaves as an apprentice to master his craft and then has the dignity and patience to create a work of art. A full bespoke suit can take 80 hours to make with what the website touts as “4000 baste stitches through the chest.” To be honest, I just went with an entry-level bespoke but it is already the most fantastically looking and feeling suit that just conforms to the body. I asked for a softer shoulder but in the future I would love to try Anderson & Sheppard, which makes a much more unconstructed suit. I think old world craftsmanship has become a dying art.
Good Design & Quality Craftsmanship Part 2 of 3: Patek Philippe
November 11, 2008 by dr. lam · Leave a Comment
To continue my blog series on good design and quality craftsmanship, I would like to feature what I consider the ultimate watch company, Patek Philippe. Not Rolex? No way. Yes, I also own a Rolex (and I love it). Rolexes are machine made and mass produced. Pateks are handmade and individually crafted. For the non-watch connoisseur, Patek may be a foreign term. For the watch connoisseur, a Patek is the ultimate prize and the quintessential watch on the planet.
I own just one but I waited over a year to get my watch. I attained a discontinued model that I had to have, as it reflected everything I loved in good design: an understated white face, black roman numerals, tapered hands, and a classic white gold hobnail patterned bezel that is self-winding with a date window. Pateks are actually great investments because they almost invariably go up in price and have steadily done so. You can easily sell your used model for more than you paid for it. I love Patek’s slogan used in their ads: “You never actually own a Patek Philippe; you merely take care of it for the next generation.” Patek Philippe holds over 70 patents and is the only manufacture that crafts all of its mechanical movements according to the strict specifications of the Geneva Seal.
Patek Philippe was founded in 1839 by Antoine Norbert de Patek and François Czapek. In 1844 Mr. Patek met the French watchmaker, Mr. Adrien Philippe in Paris where the latter presented his pioneering stem winding and setting system by the crown. Eventually Czapek left the company and the company was rechristened Patek Philippe (that is actually a bit of a truncated story to the evolution of the brand name.) Patek manufactures everything in house with master watch craftsmen who perform 1200 operations to create a single watch, which can represent over 600 hours of work on a single watch followed by 30 days of observation and evaluation for each timepiece. A self-winding watch runs for on average 1200 hours before it leaves the factory.
Each watch is individually assembled, polished and regulated by hand. They even polish parts that the owner will never see. I like this statement on aesthetics: “We strive for timeless aesthetic perfection. Beauty is also present where it cannot be seen. Bridges are angled, polished by hand and decorated with Côtes de Genève, and circular graining, or perlage, embellishes every movement. That an owner might never be able to see these many aesthetic touches does not discourage us. This is simply the way we make watches. Beauty, albeit understated, is all-pervasive at Patek Philippe. We know that the hundreds of parts operating in harmony make a watch work, but it is beauty that brings a watch to life.”
I was scouring the Internet for something I remember reading that for the ultimate in horological difficulty, the grand complication, a single man would work every day for 6 months to complete one such watch. Pateks represent the ultimate in style, taste, and craftsmanship (in my opinion).