Emotional Freedom Part 15 of 17: Emotional Vampire Type 5, The Splitter
August 6, 2009 by dr. lam · 2 Comments
The Splitter expresses borderline personality and is hard to deal with. At one moment the splitter may think very highly of you and be filled with praise and at a moment’s turn express deep disdain toward you that takes you by surprise. The splitter is prone to violent or emotional outbursts and is almost itching for a fight. The splitter tends to be filled with emotion but is relatively empty inside. They can be self abusive or self mutilating even, and spouses of splitters can lead lives of quiet desperation, being forced into a manipulated submission by their tantrum-prone behavior. Splitters are unsteady and can make an individual feel nervous or feel low about their own self-esteem after being attacked.
The way to handle a splitter is not to return a fight for a fight otherwise the situation only escalates with no visible end in sight. Remaining calm is the first step. Visualize a protective shield around you that can deflect their toxic negativity and disengage eye contact so that you don’t absorb all their venomous hatred. Establish guidelines on behavior as you would an uncontrollable five-year-old child. Finally, define solutions for their problems and say, “I’m leaving you until you become calmer. Then we can talk.”
Emotional Freedom Part 14 of 17: Emotional Vampire Type 4, The Criticizer
August 5, 2009 by dr. lam · 3 Comments
A kissing cousin of the controller, the Criticizer, as the name implies simply always degrades and criticizes everyone around her. She must make it a point to point out your physical, psychological, spiritual, and emotional flaws for her own betterment. She feels the pressing need to express her God-given right to be superior to those around her by telling you of your own problems cloaked in friendly advice,”Wow, you really could use a new dress.” The criticizer is born from a parental lineage of criticizing that has led to self hatred poured outward now to counterbalance the pervasive, lingering self hatred from her own parents and previous relationships.
To combat the criticizer, there are many options. First, stand your ground without being defensive and say, “I would appreciate that you don’t criticize my… because it does not make me feel good. I know your intentions are good, but I don’t feel good when you say that.” Put limits and boundaries on topics that are particularly sensitive like personal appearance, etc. Try to strike a compromise in a situation. For example, if your mate criticizes you for leaving dishes in the sink, divide up the task so that it gets done but where you obviously chip in as well. Finally, the love bomb is one of the most powerful ways to combat the criticizer. If you give tremendous love in return, that person will not know how to react and the walls will start to crumble.
Emotional Freedom Part 13 of 17: Emotional Vampire Type 3, The Controller
August 4, 2009 by dr. lam · 6 Comments
This Emotional Vampire, the Controller, is typically a perfectionist, living his life with rules, guidelines, and a self-imposed rigid framework. He oftentimes does not view himself as a controller, just right, and oftentimes feels that everyone around him does not meet his standards. He is domineering in his emotions and oftentimes likes to add, “Do you know what I think about your situation?” and wants to offer advice to you about everything. There is very little spontaneity with this person, and he can be very aggressive in his words and posturing. With any degree of vulnerability sensed, he will pounce and exploit those weaknesses for his own advantage. The controller is a classic micromanager, trusting no one he constantly tries to make sure everything is done his way.
Usually a controller controls others because he has a sense that his life is on the brink of chaos and lacks control so therefore he must exert control not only over himself but lord over all those in his immediate proximity. Remember that oftentimes the character flaw that a person expresses really reflects an own internal weakness that is merely amplified and turned outward.
The way to control a controller is not by controlling him. It is important that you stand your ground but try to do so only on important issues using reasoning and logic rather than verbal posturing or constant nagging and positioning. You can’t win in these situations. If the cap on the toothpaste has to be off, then leave it off and fight more important battles. Trying to control a controller will not end in a victory but misery. Obviously, if the situation with a controller leads to a crippling situation, get out of the relationship whether it is professional or personal.
Emotional Freedom Part 12 of 17: Emotional Vampire Type 2, The Victim
July 31, 2009 by dr. lam · 4 Comments
The second type of emotional vampire is the victim, or dependent personality. This individual constantly seeks your help because they feel that they are unfortunate, a victim of bad luck, or compelled into a bad situation through external, countervailing forces. They want your ear because, “My boyfriend stormed out…” or whatever litany of negative thoughts pervades their mind for the moment. If you don’t listen to them, they will say, “I thought you were a good friend.” Although you may want to help, you find that this individual is constantly draining your energy by demanding your attention, time, and solace.
If you encounter this type of individual, close off your body language to suggest that you cannot be there every time. If it is a coworker say, “I am sorry to hear that. I will send you beautiful thoughts today and hope for the best, but I need to return to my work to finish my tasks.” If it is a relative you can say, “Our relationship is important to me. But it is not healthy to feel sorry for yourself. I would discuss with you what you would like to talk about for 5 minutes but only if you have a prepared solution to your problem.” Obviously, a genteel voice and a firm hand can help avoid being trapped.
If you recognize your own traits of being the victim, you can do two constructive things. First, count your blessings every day and compare yourself with so many other people that are less fortunate than you are. Enumerate all your blessings and offer your gratitude for where you are today and what you have and who loves you. Second, think of your own constructive ways to solve any problems you may believe you are encountering rather than pipeline your thoughts over to the nearest warm body until they buckle.