Ron White, Memory Expert
March 14, 2011 by dr. lam · Leave a Comment
As you know from my blog last month, I am the official blogger for my Entrepreneur’s Organization chapter in Dallas. We had an incredible event last week with Ron White, a crazy memory expert. Here is my blog on Ron. Maybe you will learn a thing or two of how to remember someone’s name when you are introduced to him or her:
Health and Fitness Blog
February 15, 2011 by dr. lam · 3 Comments
For those who do not know, I am part of the Entrepreneur’s Organization (EO) that has been an indispensable part of my professional, social, and personal life. In this organization, I learn about ways to live a healthier and rewarding professional and personal life. As part of my duties, I am the official Dallas EO blogger for our learning events. I thought the event hosted last week by Todd Whitthorne, the CEO of Cooper Concepts, started by Dr. Kenneth Cooper, was just amazing so I am forwarding a link to the blog that I wrote for those who are interested. Here are also some photos from the event taken by Clint Brewer from Vim Studios.
Lessons from EO Part 5 of 5: Gestalt
February 6, 2009 by dr. lam · 6 Comments
If you are a fervent reader of my blogs, you might remember my talking about Gestalt psychology and protocol already a few months ago. However, it is worth repeating here both for those who have read my previous blog and for those who have not. It is such an important tool that it is worth restating it here as a separate, standalone blog once again.
During our Forum group, we rigorously adhere to Gestalt protocol. Gestalt is a method in which an individual never gives advice to someone else but gives what is known as “experience sharing.” In fact, we simply yellow (caution) or red flag (full violation) someone who breaches gestalt when it occurs, and we do not allow for the option of giving non-Gestalt advice during the process of Forum. There are two reasons for this. First, if you tell someone, “You really should do this or that…”, you are claiming superiority over that individual and truly not helping but hurting. Second, you are not “walking the talk” but “talking the talk”. It is far easier to give someone else advice but it is far harder to share with that individual how you failed in the past or what lessons you yourself have learned from a past experience. It is simple to tell when you are getting close to violation: when the word “you” starts to dominate the comments. When it is principally “I”, you are staying in a safe zone. Unless, of course you are saying something like, “I would really not do that if I were you.” Another trick is only to use the past tense following the word “I”. For example, “I learned the lesson the hard way last year when I…” By using only the word “I” and using it in the past tense we are forced into a mode of only experience sharing rather than advice giving.
It is such a powerful, effective, and honest methodology, that Gestalt has naturally invaded every part of my life. Although outside of Forum I occasionally slip into advice giving, I do use Gestalt on many occasions and find it to be a natural way to inspire someone around you for positive change. Obviously, I myself find it easier for someone else to share their own personal story for me to learn from than that individual saying in effect, “Sam, man, you really should be…” It is always harder to swallow. When working with your kids, storytelling of your own life can prove to be an effective method of communication. With friends, with colleagues, with loved ones, with anyone basically. When you start to practice Gestalt, you open new vistas in communication, sharing, and elicit positive change almost better than any other technique.
Lessons from EO Part 4 of 5: Confidentiality
February 5, 2009 by dr. lam · 6 Comments
Oftentimes, we hear a juicy bit of gossip and we are tempted to just tell one person. We are tempted to tell our spouse, our loved one, just to let that little bit of gossip that is just too good to hold for ourselves. Working in my EO group for now almost 3 years, I have learned the value of a safe haven and of confidentiality. In our Forum, we consider a breach of confidentiality so serious that it is almost impossible to stay within the group. When confidentiality is broken, it is not even a question of the security between the person who committed it and the person against whom it was committed, it colors the security of everyone around them. When confidentiality is broken, trust is irrevocably severed.
I have many individuals in the building come to me with confidential matters because they know that I keep things absolutely confidential. First, I have no burning desire to share something confidential, and it is something that has now become part of the fabric of my existence. Have I failed in the past? Of course. However, I am now a secure wall because confidentiality is a basic core foundation for my Forum group. It is something that naturally carries forward to the other elements of my life.
During my moderator training on Friday, Ellie Byrd recounted the story of Attila the Hun who told a servant a deep secret and then insisted that the servant not tell anyone else. Attila was so afraid that his servant would blab that he went ahead and killed the servant to ensure secrecy. Accordingly, you can now tell the person you are telling in confidence that this comment is “Attila the Hun.” As a word to the person telling the confidential matter, make sure that what you are telling is not gossip because that is in direct violation of the 4 agreements that we have been discussing and hopefully honoring. Nevertheless, sometimes you just need to share something to help you relieve your own pent-up anxiety. Or, you need someone to help you get through a certain situation, but you need the sensitivity that such information does not become widely circulated. Confidentiality should be a cornerstone to how we live.
Lessons from EO Part 3 of 5: Conflict Resolution
February 4, 2009 by dr. lam · 2 Comments
We tend to encounter a conflict and have no idea how to manage it. As an administrator/CEO, I have to be managing conflict in small and big ways all the time. Running 4 businesses (my plastic surgery practice, the spa, the salon, and the building) forces me to deal with multiple, different personalities each of whom has a different agenda, socioeconomic/cultural/ethnic background, age, gender, motivations, position, and career objectives. In short, it compels me to understand human nature to the best of my ability so that I can exercise leadership in bringing disparate personalities and move them in the same direction. Trust me, this is not always easy or should I say it is never easy. And, I have great staff and people I work with. I can’t imagine what it is like in corporations with poor culture and unmotivated staff. Interestingly, the technique that I am about to share with you can be found in how to resolve conflicts for children in grade school and is reportedly posted on the wall in many schools according to Ellie Byrd, the trainer who taught me this technique last Friday at my EO moderator training session.
If you follow the 4 Agreements we talked about 3 weeks ago, you will remember how we should remain impeccable with our word, not to take anything personally, not to make assumptions, and to always do our best. Interestingly, almost every conflict arises from violating one of these basic tenets. A staff member may not be impeccable with his/her word, and someone else takes it personally. Or, we make an assumption over a situation and that situation actually was misconstrued based on our subjective perceptions or limited facts that we obtained.
In order to manage conflict, we have to abide by some basic steps. First, if you are the one in conflict with another person, you should confront the individual (not belligerently) and see if this entire situation arose from a miscommunication or a poor assumption. Too often, we are tempted to turn to another individual in the organization or a friend of yours to declare, “You know this person is very bad because…” when in fact we are disseminating the same gossip and hate that the other person did. In addition, we are committing another serious grievance, which is gossip not to mention perhaps making a false assumption about another.
The next level is to seek a moderator or intercessor for the current problem to see whether a third-party individual can help resolve the situation. It is important that the moderator listen to each party in the same room so that there is no bad mouthing of the other without that person being there. The moderator then uses some basic skills to separate the elements of the conflict: facts- ask the different parties to state the absolute facts of the situation; opinions- ask the different parties to share their opinion about the situation; feelings- ask the different parties to share their feelings about the situation; and wants- ask the different parties to share their wants about the situation.
If this does not rectify the situation, a group discussion should be brought to focus on team building rather than finger pointing. Using several bright minds to resolve the conflict may be better than 1 or 2. Also, it is important that the moderator constantly remain impartial and not to permit any derogatory or desultory remarks. The moderator must always create the dominant rhythm and spirit to move the discussion forward with calm and impartiality and thereby set the tone that is necessary to resolve the conflict. When working in a group, the leader should elicit responses first from the most empathic voice not the one who is going to perhaps exacerbate the situation. Choosing the first voice to speak can be important to further the tone in the right direction.
Sometimes, conflicts can be healthy when resolved. They can bring a deeper sense of clarity and help one personally grow through a problem or perceived problem. They can inspire authentic communication, release pent up rage, enhance one’s understanding of one another, help individuals improve behavioral skills such as tolerance, patience, and compassion. It can also help individuals learn techniques and strategies to solve problems. As moderator this year of my Forum, I will play a key role as a mediator during times of conflicts, which I hope will not arise with any serious frequency.