Lessons from EO Part 5 of 5: Gestalt
February 6, 2009 by dr. lam · 6 Comments
If you are a fervent reader of my blogs, you might remember my talking about Gestalt psychology and protocol already a few months ago. However, it is worth repeating here both for those who have read my previous blog and for those who have not. It is such an important tool that it is worth restating it here as a separate, standalone blog once again.
During our Forum group, we rigorously adhere to Gestalt protocol. Gestalt is a method in which an individual never gives advice to someone else but gives what is known as “experience sharing.” In fact, we simply yellow (caution) or red flag (full violation) someone who breaches gestalt when it occurs, and we do not allow for the option of giving non-Gestalt advice during the process of Forum. There are two reasons for this. First, if you tell someone, “You really should do this or that…”, you are claiming superiority over that individual and truly not helping but hurting. Second, you are not “walking the talk” but “talking the talk”. It is far easier to give someone else advice but it is far harder to share with that individual how you failed in the past or what lessons you yourself have learned from a past experience. It is simple to tell when you are getting close to violation: when the word “you” starts to dominate the comments. When it is principally “I”, you are staying in a safe zone. Unless, of course you are saying something like, “I would really not do that if I were you.” Another trick is only to use the past tense following the word “I”. For example, “I learned the lesson the hard way last year when I…” By using only the word “I” and using it in the past tense we are forced into a mode of only experience sharing rather than advice giving.
It is such a powerful, effective, and honest methodology, that Gestalt has naturally invaded every part of my life. Although outside of Forum I occasionally slip into advice giving, I do use Gestalt on many occasions and find it to be a natural way to inspire someone around you for positive change. Obviously, I myself find it easier for someone else to share their own personal story for me to learn from than that individual saying in effect, “Sam, man, you really should be…” It is always harder to swallow. When working with your kids, storytelling of your own life can prove to be an effective method of communication. With friends, with colleagues, with loved ones, with anyone basically. When you start to practice Gestalt, you open new vistas in communication, sharing, and elicit positive change almost better than any other technique.
Learning from Gestalt: “Walk the Talk”
October 3, 2008 by dr. lam · Leave a Comment
I am very proud of being a member of an organization known in brief as EO, Entrepreneur’s Organization, here in Dallas, which is a part of about 16,000 worldwide members. Every month, I attend a lecture by an experienced professional in his/her field of business and have a lovely dinner along with it. Also, every month, I attend what is known as forum, which is a 4-hour dedicated time of 8 to 10 people (9 in my case), who share with each other parts of their lives and businesses so that they can become better business owners and human beings. Forum is known affectionately as “AA For Business Owners.”
It is a hardcore meeting because if you are a second late based on the displayed time on your cellphone, you will have to buy dinner. If you are 20 minutes late, you are not allowed to enter the room. If you do that twice, you are kicked out for life. If you miss two meetings in a year, you are kicked out for life. Despite our busy lives, we commit to each other that we will be there every fourth Wednesday at 3:30 pm come hell or high water.
During our time of helping each other, which we call “experience sharing” rather than advice giving, we employ a language that is derived from Gestalt psychology in which we never say, “You really should not have fired that employee. That was not right.” Instead, we use the “I’ word, “I fired this employee last year that really was not the best decision for me or my business for these reasons…” Basically, we are not here to give each other advice but to learn from each others’ experiences. In short we take the “You” out and replace it with “I”.
As a caveat, we also cannot say, “I would have done that” or “I would say the thing that I would do is…” because that also violates Gestalt. The “I” refers to what you yourself have actually experienced in the past not what you conceive of someone else should do, which is thinly veiled advice. It is working with people who “Walk the Talk”, i.e., those who don’t just spout words of meaningless wisdom but who actually have lived and experienced life lessons that you as a intelligent individual can draw from if you are attentive and open.
In a way, that is what this blog is about. It is about my giving tidbits of my life, passions, foibles, successes, and thoughts so that perhaps you as a reader can attain something valuable from it. I hope these blogs are not just inconsequential banter but help to guide one’s life in very small but substantive ways.
I think Gestalt is a great tactic to help a leader lead his/her troops. Many times, we approach an individual who has had a problem and we say, “Boy, you really should have done this better. Let me tell you how…” Instead if we open with, “Boy, I did the same thing you did last year and I have learned a valuable lesson why I would never do that again and here is what I learned.” Approaching a problem that way is entirely different and can lead to entirely different results. I hope you can use Gestalt somehow effectively in your own life whether personally or professionally.