Emotional Freedom Part 17 of 17: Steps to Emotional Freedom, Overcoming Frustration
August 11, 2009 by dr. lam · 2 Comments
We all get frustrated, in traffic, in a long line, in a problem that we cannot solve, etc. The answer to frustration is practicing patience. We all need to learn how to focus on getting ourselves out of the mud with frustration and disappointment. A study by Princeton University showed that those individuals with a well-developed neocortex were more prone to experience patience. We in turn can do this by expressing patience in our day-to-day challenges. We can evolve ourselves by working through patience by perhaps even choosing the slow moving line or the more difficult assignment. We can also look for things that normally we need immediate gratification for and instead we delay that gratification without anxiety or pressure.
Other exercises that might help involve trying to offer another individual who “lets you down” tolerance, patience, compassion, and forgiveness. We all let each other down, including you and including me. Most oftentimes we simply did not mean it. With that in mind, put yourself in the other person’s perspective and exercise patience.
I hope all of you have enjoyed this wonderful series that celebrate Dr. Judith Orloff’s brilliant ideas. I myself have learned a tremendous amount in how to cope with the stresses of daily life and how to overcome our own emotional limitations to achieve a greater degree of freedom and liberation.
Emotional Freedom Part 16 of 17: Steps to Emotional Freedom, Overcoming Fear
August 7, 2009 by dr. lam · 8 Comments
The second half of Dr. Orloff’s book covers paths to emotional liberation in exquisite detail, which she entitles “Your Tools for Liberation”. In deference to not just copying her book here, I would like to only discuss a handful of her ideas so as to encourage you to buy the book and read her ideas for yourself. As you would imagine, a blog series in no way can capture the rich detail that a book can or give you the ideas in a way that does the author complete justice.
The first step that Dr. Orloff discusses is overcoming fear. I think that is a big one. Especially considering our current economic and political climate, we oftentimes are gripped with uncertainty that dooms and glooms us in most cases unjustifiably so. When we live in fear we drain our cortisol levels as our amygdala is in a constant state of overdrive (read an earlier blog in this series entitled the biology of emotions to understand this concept better). We need to take steps to free ourselves from the clutches of fear and we can take baby steps to do just that:
1. Stop reading depressing news about the world and the economy.
2. Stop hanging out with downers: people who zap your emotional energy (see emotional vampires, the section we just finished).
3. Learn to find your sources of fear and overcome them by focusing beyond them toward solutions and toward positivity.
4. Look at your fears as a way for you to be spiritually free from them: ”How can this fear help me develop courage, become freer?”
Emotional Freedom Part 12 of 17: Emotional Vampire Type 2, The Victim
July 31, 2009 by dr. lam · 4 Comments
The second type of emotional vampire is the victim, or dependent personality. This individual constantly seeks your help because they feel that they are unfortunate, a victim of bad luck, or compelled into a bad situation through external, countervailing forces. They want your ear because, “My boyfriend stormed out…” or whatever litany of negative thoughts pervades their mind for the moment. If you don’t listen to them, they will say, “I thought you were a good friend.” Although you may want to help, you find that this individual is constantly draining your energy by demanding your attention, time, and solace.
If you encounter this type of individual, close off your body language to suggest that you cannot be there every time. If it is a coworker say, “I am sorry to hear that. I will send you beautiful thoughts today and hope for the best, but I need to return to my work to finish my tasks.” If it is a relative you can say, “Our relationship is important to me. But it is not healthy to feel sorry for yourself. I would discuss with you what you would like to talk about for 5 minutes but only if you have a prepared solution to your problem.” Obviously, a genteel voice and a firm hand can help avoid being trapped.
If you recognize your own traits of being the victim, you can do two constructive things. First, count your blessings every day and compare yourself with so many other people that are less fortunate than you are. Enumerate all your blessings and offer your gratitude for where you are today and what you have and who loves you. Second, think of your own constructive ways to solve any problems you may believe you are encountering rather than pipeline your thoughts over to the nearest warm body until they buckle.
Emotional Freedom Part 11 of 17: Emotional Vampire Type 1, The Narcissist
July 30, 2009 by dr. lam · 4 Comments
I found this section of Judith Orloff’s book the most fascinating, as many readers have. She featured emotional vampires in her previous book, Positive Energy, and is now planting the same theme in her current book. Emotional vampires in short drain you, make you feel bad about yourself, make you binge eat, etc. There are certain types of emotional vampires. Understanding which type you are encountering will save you from peril.
Besides recognizing when you are in the presence of an emotional vampire, we should recognize if we are being one ourselves. Self awareness is a critical attribute for anyone, and that is what these blogs are about. Rather than punish yourself and feel self pity, just make a concerted effort to change. As you read these blogs on different types of emotional vampires, try to see if you fit the bill to any degree. If so, just be honest with yourself and make the change.
The first type of emotional vampire she talks about is the narcissist. The narcissist is hard wired to see himself/herself as special, a guru, and simply put better than you. The narcissist is self-absorbed and manipulative and incapable of deep emotion. He/she can be charming or not charming, but usually is motivated by self interest. When dealing with a narcissist, do not try to talk down to them, or you will fail. Stroke the ego and that way you can get around the personality fault. Instead of saying, “Let’s go to the party”, you can say, “everyone likes you, they’ll miss you if you were not there.” Do not get emotionally attached to a narcissist because the narcissist will most likely not provide deep emotional support for you since they are more interested in themselves. Although the best option with an emotional vampire is to escape his or her presence, the second best is to recognize what type of emotional vampire he/she is and work to circumvent the personality faults so as not to trigger any more flagrant behavior.
Emotional Freedom Part 10 of 17: The Fourth Emotional Type, The Gusher
July 29, 2009 by dr. lam · 3 Comments
The fourth and final emotional type that Orloff describes is the gusher. The gusher is the individual who was born to share his/her emotions with others. He is the opposite of the rock and will let you know what he feels whether elated, bored, or miserable. They tend to be spontaneous, direct, authentic and trusted confidants. However, they oftentimes resist making independent decision or trusting their decision. They tend to need a poll from everyone before making a decision. They verbalize everything. When a problem arises, they are anxious to pick up the phone. They are often thought of as motormouths and their friends constantly tell them, “Too much information.” Despite these negatives, gushers are emotionally articulate, have a good supportive network of friends, value intimate relationships, are a sensitive listener and process difficult issues quickly. On the flip side, they may be drama queens/kings, turn to friends as therapists, and burn others out with their emotional purging.
To counter all of this, the gusher should first try to center his/her emotions before spewing it out. Love yourself mentally and verbally by offering yourself a word of affirmation. Set your intention to clear your emotion. During meditation, exhale negativity. Focus on your intuition to find a solution rather than soliciting tons of advice. Find the answer within. Center and ground your emotions when you are lost within them.