The Four Agreements Part 4 of 5: Don’t Make Assumptions
January 15, 2009 by dr. lam · 2 Comments
For those readers who don’t realize that this blog series CANNOT be read in isolation but should be read as a continuous whole, please read the last 3 days of blogs to get a clear grasp of today’s. It will be impossible to understand today’s blog without knowledge and digestion of the past 3 days’ blogs. Even if you have read the last 3 days’ blog, if you have time today, reread and reflect on them before you embark on reading today’s.
Today’s blog covers the 3rd of 4 agreements: “don’t make assumptions.” Too often we lack the courage to ask questions but instead we fall back on our outdated and biased belief systems that color our opinions. Simply asking the other person a clarifying question could be all that is needed to avoid a devastating assumption that can have lingering impact for both parties. We assume too much, and an assumption makes an Ass out of U and Me as the old joke goes. The other person has the right to say yes or no just as much as we have the right to ask the question. When in doubt, ask a question until there is no doubt that remains. Open dialogue between both parties so that assumptions fall away.
Taking things personally and making assumptions are the two things that have gotten mankind into unnecessary wars, escalated violence, created pandemonium, and torn relationships asunder. Starting with being impeccable with your word is a prerequisite. Being impeccable means being open, honest, direct, and unassuming. Assumptions tear relationships apart for no better reason than both parties fell back onto their old agreements, i.e., their own biases on how they see the world without confirming with the other person if that interpretation was an accurate one.
In a relationship, we hear too often, “I love him/her but I can change that person.” Such terms are not unconditional, and these words serve to undermine the very bedrock of that relationship. Acceptance of the other must be all encompassing and devoid of an impetus to change the other. We simply assume the other will change or we make assumptions as to their intents when those intents are not clearly outlined to us. We must clarify those intents through our being impeccable with our word and not taking something personally. We offer the other a light of pure love and generosity through which the other can accept our words. Through being impeccable with our word, not taking things personally, and not making assumptions we can enter our own dream of heaven and exit our own self-imposed hell. Tomorrow we conclude our journey, so that you can begin yours.
The Four Agreements Part 3 of 5: Don’t Take Anything Personally
January 14, 2009 by dr. lam · 13 Comments
The second agreement is based on the understanding of the first (be impeccable with your word); in fact, all subsequent agreements are predicated on committing to the first agreement. If you did not read yesterday’s blog, please take a moment to do so so that you can fully appreciate today’s message: “don’t take anything personally.”
As we discussed yesterday, when you take something another says personally, you have fallen under the black magic of the other person. The other person cannot hurt you if you don’t allow it. The only way that the other individual can create chaos in your heart is if there is already an emotional wound that is open and your belief system already subscribes to what the other person is inflicting. “You are so stupid.” You quietly assent, “Yes, I am.” What you don’t assent to consciously is the mantra that has been perpetrated against you in your youth that you were given this agreement by another individual and you chose to hold on to that belief system and carry it forward. However, if someone calls you a dirty name and your heart does not permit the injury, then it won’t happen. The emotional bruising that is inflicted is actually deepened in the sender when the receiver refuses to accept the insult.
As stated yesterday, the insult that the person levels against you reflects more about the person giving it than the receiver. When you say, “You are fat.” It mostly reflects the sender’s own issues with his or her self identity and associated insecurity. If you have been programmed all your life that you are overweight, your brain will accept the other’s emotional poison as veracity and you will be crippled by it. Just remember that when someone speaks ill of you, it most likely reflects an internally directed dialogue that exhibits that person’s weakness rather than yours.
Many times the reason that we accept an insult or personal sleight is that we have conflicting messages that circulate in our own dream by virtue of our mitote, or fog, that I discussed on Monday’s introductory blog. We don’t trust ourselves because we don’t have a single, clear message that we tell ourselves. We are living our own personal dream in a fog. So when someone else wants to level their claim against us, we accept it since the voice is louder than our very own. We as humans tend to create our own suffering and revel in it. Whether we choose to live in our own personally designated hell is a question of our own volition.
Tack up a message on your refrigerator that reads, “Don’t take anything personally” as a first step toward implementing the second agreement. Be impeccable with your word so that you don’t let anyone inflict injury on you and so that you don’t take anything personally. Tomorrow we continue onward with our journey.
Path To Joy Part I: Overcoming Fear
October 13, 2008 by dr. lam · Leave a Comment
Deepak Chopra
Obviously, the wild ride of the stock market last week has left many of us (including me) in a lurch. I think many times we become paralyzed and incapacitated by fear. I am currently in the middle of reading, Deepak Chopra’s book, Why is God Laughing?, a fictional tale of an L.A. comedian whose father dies and who is visited by a strange mentor who guides him in overcoming his ego and fear. I thought it would be worth writing this blog today to be as timely as possible despite the fact that I am halfway through the book. Francisco, the mentor, tries to help Mickey, the comedian, see how his life has been crippled by fear. In the answer to a riddle offered, Francisco says, “Fear tells many lies but is always believed. If the worst happens, fear will be greatly relieved. On the day you were born fear poisoned your heart. Fear will still be there on the day you depart.”
Chopra’s lesson is that we all have an internal optimism that is waiting to come out if we let it rather than letting fear choke us unnecessarily. Obstacles that are placed in front of us are meant to be a chance at a new opportunity. Sometimes we simply can’t see it when it is too close to us. He asks us to laugh deep from within to find that inner joy. Ultimately, we are all powerless in this life to control everything that we face, and fear should not strangle us. Only God can help guide us through this life and create opportunities in situations that seem grim.
Don’t let fear grip you. Today, every time you encounter a fearful thought, stop, close your eyes, pray for guidance, and open your heart to the grand adventures that life has in store for you. I am working on shedding my fears by embracing optimism (not easy) and taking my own grand illusions of control away. The next two blogs will refine some of these concepts in greater detail and explain two very important ways to overcome our fears.