The Mastery of Love Part 7 of 10: Self Love Vs. Selfishness
March 24, 2009 by dr. lam · 8 Comments
This is a big topic. At first glance, these two things seem to be precisely the same, when in fact they are polar opposites. When we love ourselves we will not act selfishly. When we hate ourselves, we will act out of fear and loathing and will respond to the world in a selfish way. Remember in last week’s blog, we talked about two courses that we can pursue in a relationship: the track of love and the track of fear.
When we love ourselves and are happy/content in our lives, we can radiate love to all those around us. Our magical kitchen we talked about yesterday is full, and we can make any dish that we want. However, when we live in a fearful state that we don’t have love, then we follow the track of fear. By doing so, we only see scarcity and we act out of fear that we will lose that precious relationship because we are needy. Alternatively, we may be just filled with emotional poison that we transmit to all of those around us like the emotional ping pong that we addressed last week. When we are filled with self poison, self loathing, and self hatred, we look at the person next to us with that same dread and we push their emotional buttons to release our own poison. We then have that other person release that poison back onto us, and matters escalate.
When you are accepting of yourself and when you reach a happy state even without reference to another person, you invite love in. As I talked in my leadership series, you must first work on yourself. You must lead yourself. You must love yourself, then others can love you. Or if you are a leader, then others will follow you. All of you who read my daily blog are on the same journey with me toward life fulfillment, enrichment, happiness, and peace. I am honored that you can work with me on our personal journey toward self love and away from selfishness.
The Mastery of Love Part 5 of 10: The Perfect Relationship
March 20, 2009 by dr. lam · 13 Comments
We truly want in life the perfect relationship but what does that mean? Let’s use the idea of our relationship with a pet dog. When we come home, the dog is happy to see us. We feed the dog, pet the dog, and treat the dog as a dog because it is a dog. We don’t ask the dog to meow because it is not a cat. If we wanted a horse, we would have gotten a horse. The dog for his part plays the part well. He knows how to bark, wag his tail, eat food, and be happy. Do we accept the dog as a dog or do we ask more of that animal?
Sometimes we just have to know what we want. Too often we don’t accept the other individual the way he or she is but demand certain changes or conditions before we want to offer that love. However, with our animals, we simply see that animal as a being in front of us that need not have certain conditions that we apply. If we don’t know what we want in a mate, then we won’t know how to find it or how to recognize it when we find it.
The simple truth is that when we encounter a love in front of us without preconditions, i.e., when we find someone who we feel is right for us from a spiritual, mental, physical, and at all levels without the need to change the other person then we have found the right love. When we start appending notions like, “Well, I really love this person BUT…” then perhaps we have not arrived there yet. Do we want a dog or a cat? If we know, then we can choose. If we don’t, then we cannot. If we want to change a dog into a cat, we can’t and we won’t.
What if you are with a cat and you want a dog? Well, that is a hard one. Only you will know the truth if you have made a mistake in your choice. I’m not advocating just throwing in the towel, but we need to be honest with ourselves and what we want so that we can make our choices during this short life and be happy.
The Power of Intention Part 9 of 10: Purpose
March 12, 2009 by dr. lam · 4 Comments
The highest order of Abraham’s Maslow’s pyramid of self-actualization is to have purpose in life. However, whenever I address purpose, many people may start to get nervous. What purpose? To help the rain forest? To save the infirm and needy? To have a breakthrough scientific achievement? Well perhaps and perhaps not. Purpose oftentimes does not come to you with too much thought and anxiety. It should come to you when you connect with the universal power of intention, when you are calm, and when you are at peace.
I had a case where a woman was a victim of domestic abuse, and I was planning to do her procedure to help her. However, her story just did not make scientific sense. I will spare you the details because I would like to keep things with full anonymity here. I discussed this over with my staff and finally decided that I was going to do the case anyway for two reasons. First, my first and foremost goal for LFP is to help people. I don’t think I could live with myself if I made a false judgment and actually wound up not helping someone that I could have. Second, I believe that when someone comes into my presence for the day that I will change their life. I know that might sound arrogant to you but it is not coming from that. I am dismissing my ego. I am letting that go here. I know that many people that I encounter in my practice need me and I need to be there for them.
As much as I can help someone do something, I can also help them to see that they don’t need something. I had a lady who had a perceived physical defect of her lower face (we’ll keep it at that) and had spent a tremendous amount of money already trying to fix the problem. When I saw her, I couldn’t even begin to fathom the problem that she had because I couldn’t see it. I asked her, “Have you ever considered the option of NOT doing anything?” She started to cry for several minutes, and I embraced her. I felt all of her negative energy and perception start to leave her body. Helping others in whatever shape or form can be a noble cause and be the ultimate cause for any life. It is a singular purpose for me.
That being said, do we have to live a life of self-abnegation then? No, in fact, we must start with ourselves. Dyer talks about first loving yourself and healing yourself before you can do that for those around you. It is similar to the idea that I presented a few weeks ago from John Maxwell about “leading yourself” first before you can lead others. You must first help yourself then help others. Dyer talks about “self respect” which comes from a simple truism, “I love myself”. This does not mean that we are focused on ego (on the contrary) but a perception of ourselves that is filled with an ideal image of ourselves. I have tried to stop saying to people, “I’m not perfect” because it goes against our own creation and the perfect image that we should have in our own Creator’s eyes. Instead I am perfect in the light of my own creation and thereby perfect in how I see myself.
When I work on my patients, they understand that I am not trying to make them a perfect human species but to offer them the objective of looking good outside that can reflect their own inner beauty. I think a patient from Arkansas said it best in a testimonial to me:
As the years have rolled by, the man in the mirror had seemed to age more rapidly and less gracefully than I had hoped. I still felt young, active and maybe a bit adventuresome, but the droopy eyes, wrinkles and hollow face did not reflect that. I earnestly wanted to look more like the mental image I had of myself.
One of my greatest concerns before my surgery was that I might be giving a wrong impression of being tired, inattentive or even bored while speaking with friends, family members or patients. (The sagging skin on my eyelids made me look like all of the above most days!) That really bothered me because I never wanted anyone to think I had a haughty attitude or what they had to say was unimportant to me.
With these issues I landed in your office, not at all sure that there was a solution for me that did not involve changing my identity or doing something really radical. I need not have worried. You seem to have understood my concerns better than I did. Your solution addressed all these needs better than I was able to express them.
I am honored to help my dear patients and those patients who are not yet mine to create a beautiful self image that reflects their own inner beauty. My purpose in life is to help others through as many ways that I can: plastic surgery, psychotherapy, empathy, listening, and simply put, extending my love to them.